Mood

My mother used to tell me all the time I was "moody" growing up. I didn't believe her. As an adult I have to say that she may have been correct. I get to the point sometimes that I just want to shut the world out and don't want to talk to anybody. I cry, sleep, work 24/7; just to keep my mind off of anything that may cause me discomfort.

And it doesn't have to be anything in particular. The slightest thing can change my mood. I shouldn't let things like that get to me. But being the emotional person I am, the little things can mean a lot. I try not to show it at work, but sometimes it gets the best of me.

The disappointments seem to be coming more and more these days. I didn't get to home for the holidays (I always do that). The person I was looking forward to spending time with ended up not being able to (a real let down). This past holiday weekend was a bust for me (tears are dropping).

So what do you do to get past the disappointment? I can look on the bright side and know that this is not the end of the world. There will be other holidays; there will be other visits. But not seeing the people that I miss the most in my life didn't make this weekend grand. Hopefully the coming weeks will turn out better. I pray that they do.

Is being alone really all that great?

Or is it just a fantasy that people want to tell you to make you feel better. Today was one of the days that I just needed to talk. But guess what? No one was there. Not my best friend, not my family, nobody!

Its in those moments that I wonder what my future holds. It sucks like hell!!!! Work can drive me crazy that I feel that I'm not at the right place. Coming home to the same routine every day can wear me down too. I'm just ready for the excitement. But has it gone? Is this what I have to look forward to?

I'll be 35 in a few weeks. I don't feel 30. Shoot I remember like yesterday turning 30. But as time goes on I still think that I am missing out on things. A lot because I am alone.

I always write and contemplate about what the future holds. I certainly don't know. But I am in that moment when I start to question if I am taking the right path. If there are things or people that I should let go of because they don't really have my best interest or are holding me back from things that are going to make me better. I really don't know.

But today, I was alone. Left to my work, my womanly duties and the sense of not knowing where I belong. :-(

When it is what it is....

Ha! That is a phrase I say a lot... "it is what it is". I don't know why. Because I truly believe that you live life once and it is always not what it seems.

I have points in my life that I want to SCREAM about right now. Things aren't going right and I am holding on for dear life. I am staying still during this test and relying on faith to guide me through. As I tell my friends, "I know I am being prepared for something great"!!!

But my life is not all bad by no means. I have something that is so great in my life that I want to SHOUT about. But I can't. It is what it is and it is not the time to let the world know. It may never be. But rest assured that this part of my life is so great. I am very happy and somewhat fulfilled. I don't want anything else in that part of my life because I am satisfied at this moment.

Maybe one day I will get to shout and let the world know how great that part of my life is. But for now, it is what it is.

Jealousy

Lately I have been a little jealous.... I'm usually not that type of person. But lately I have noticed I have been. Whenever I "see" it, I feel my face turn up. Whenever I "hear" it, I smack my lips and act like I don't care. Internally I really, really do.

I don't want to be. But I can't help it. I need to get rid of this feeling because it is not beneficial. It makes the "ugly" in me come out. Essentially, I have no right to be jealous.

I have to heed the words "what is for you, is for you"...... That is my motto right now. I am going to work on not being jealous. But it is a hard thing right now......

Didn't know my own strength

I haven't bought the new Whitney album, but the title of the this song stands out for me... Anyone who knows me, they know that I have been through some things. Some people may think that it isn't that bad. I have never been in jail (thank God), I have never had deal with drugs, or abuse.

But I have had to deal with several bad relationships. I have dealt with the death of a child. I have dealt with being so broke I didn't know if I would make it out.... But I am still standing and I am here.

Someone once told me that the thing they like about me the most is how I keep going and trusting even through all that I have been through. Especially with men. And it is true. I've been lied to, cheated on, left for the next best thing... All of the above.

But I still have faith that the man that God has for me is out there. I still have faith that I will have more children. I still have faith that through all the ugliness there is beauty.

Don't get me wrong, there are days when I get down and think "why in the hell is this happening to me".... Then I look back and realize the strenght that I have. I remember that I got through the death of my daughter. I have gotten through EVERY bad break up or misdeed that was done to me. And quiet as kept, someone else was waiting not too long after those things happened :-)...

As I merge toward turning 35 in January I realize the life is a process. My best friend tells me all the time that I must enjoy life because it goes fast. He is so correct! So for the past year or so I have just been enjoying life and what comes with it. Times have been hard, but they could be so much harder!!!

You never really know your own strength until you have to use it.... I'm glad God is allowing me to use mine.

When the dreams are not what are meant to be.....

What happens when you have the lost the will? What happens when the enthusiasm you had for something just isn't there anymore? What do you do when the thing you wanted the most, you no longer have the desire for anymore? What do you do? Where do you go?

I think I, like several people I know, are at that crossroad in my life. Life is just getting too complicated. It just seems as if you take 5 steps forward and 7 back. There doesn't seem to be any relief.

I have been going through a lot of things over the past month and I have really been keeping it to myself. I don't think anyone would understand the struggles that I have been going through or would really seem to care. As I look at some people, it just seems that everything is grand. I just wonder why God allows for things to continue to happen and I have to be this "strong" person. Why must I always be the strong one?

Sometimes I just want to give up. I get tired of fighting. I remember a sermon I heard a few weeks ago that stated that whatever is going on we must not get tired. Not knowing what the future holds is tormenting. Sometimes it seems that I am fighting just to get ready for another battle and another and another. When will the battles end? When will I stop climbing the mountains and get to enjoy the valley?

I am at the point in my life where I don't know about figuring out my purpose. I am asking God to remove the thoughts from my head that He knows are not in His plan. If I am not going to be married, I ask him to remove that want from me so I can move forward. If there are no more children to be in my life, please remove that want. If my career is what it is, just help me to see that so I can move forward. The struggle to figure out my purpose is taking a lot out of me. Especially at this point in my life. I'm jsut really tired. And there is no body out there that can understand what I am going through.

At some point in time, I hope and pray that I can figure this out. Life for me is pretty hard right now. But I continue to smile and hide what is really going on. I just don't know where to begin in my journey to figure out my purpose. But I pray that through this journey I don't lose my faith. I need that to survive.

Are you fulfilled?

How do we know if our life is going in the right direction? How do you really know if what you are doing is what you are really what you are suppose to do? I have these questions running in my head often because I just don't know if the things that I have going on in my life are what is truly meant for me.

I wonder if I am suppose to spend my career here in Georgia. I wonder if I am suppose to be a teacher. I always wonder am I suppose to be single for the rest of my life. I've seen others do it, but I haven't gotten to the point where I am content.

I think I need to get to the point of contentment. I fall off when things that were going great suddenly aren't so great anymore. Whether its jobs or friendships, things usually turn. I hear people say that you can't judge other people's lives and compare that to your own. I know this is true. I have friends who on the outside it looks as if everything is grand. But on the inside they are miserable.

I guess I wish that God would reveal his purpose. I would love a "sneak peak". I would love to know if the desires of my heart are truly in my grasp or is this something that God just doesn't have planned for me. Not knowing is tormenting!!! But I know whatever it is God has my best interest at heart.

Things are ok in my life right now. Some days are better than others. But I keep my smile and hope that my purpose is revealed soon. I think I am ready to fulfill my destiny.