(500) Days of _______________

I am a huge fan of movies. When I find a movie that really tweaks my thoughts I spend my spare time analyzing it and comparing it to things that I have experienced in my life. Today I just saw the movie "(500) Days of Summer". Let me just say that I am upset that I waited this long to see it!

This movies is one of those movies that makes you think and look back at your own past relationships and wonder where things have gone right and where things have gone wrong. As the movie played, I found myself laughing out loud and saying "wow, I know that feeling"!

Not giving the entire movie away, there was one scene that I must say made me shed a tear. Towards the end of the movie, Tom (Joseph Gorden-Levitt) asks Summer (Zooey Deschanel) what was it that let her know. She tells him "I just knew". At that moment, I knew exactly what Tom was thinking without him having to say it: "So how did you know it wasn't me?".

I've had casual friends, boyfriends, etc. who have moved on and found the love of their life and I always wonder "What let you know that it wasn't me?". I ask that question with all sincerity. I figure that if I got a definitive answer that would help me figure out some things that I may need to change. To this day, I have yet to get that "definitive" answer. And I have asked the question several times.

I do believe that there is that "special" person out there. Some people find them faster than others. Some people find each other, but the timing is not where it should be. But does that mean we stop looking and believing in that thing called "love"? Heck no!!

This movie just reiterated my thought process on this topic. I have always been a believer in trying things and taking risks. Sometimes the risks turn out to be great and worthwhile. Something positive will always come out of it, whether or not it ends positively. I feel like Tom now; fate can exist. We must embrace it and learn from it.

If you haven't seen this movie, you must! It will make you laugh and cry. I thoroughly enjoyed it!

Mood

My mother used to tell me all the time I was "moody" growing up. I didn't believe her. As an adult I have to say that she may have been correct. I get to the point sometimes that I just want to shut the world out and don't want to talk to anybody. I cry, sleep, work 24/7; just to keep my mind off of anything that may cause me discomfort.

And it doesn't have to be anything in particular. The slightest thing can change my mood. I shouldn't let things like that get to me. But being the emotional person I am, the little things can mean a lot. I try not to show it at work, but sometimes it gets the best of me.

The disappointments seem to be coming more and more these days. I didn't get to home for the holidays (I always do that). The person I was looking forward to spending time with ended up not being able to (a real let down). This past holiday weekend was a bust for me (tears are dropping).

So what do you do to get past the disappointment? I can look on the bright side and know that this is not the end of the world. There will be other holidays; there will be other visits. But not seeing the people that I miss the most in my life didn't make this weekend grand. Hopefully the coming weeks will turn out better. I pray that they do.

Is being alone really all that great?

Or is it just a fantasy that people want to tell you to make you feel better. Today was one of the days that I just needed to talk. But guess what? No one was there. Not my best friend, not my family, nobody!

Its in those moments that I wonder what my future holds. It sucks like hell!!!! Work can drive me crazy that I feel that I'm not at the right place. Coming home to the same routine every day can wear me down too. I'm just ready for the excitement. But has it gone? Is this what I have to look forward to?

I'll be 35 in a few weeks. I don't feel 30. Shoot I remember like yesterday turning 30. But as time goes on I still think that I am missing out on things. A lot because I am alone.

I always write and contemplate about what the future holds. I certainly don't know. But I am in that moment when I start to question if I am taking the right path. If there are things or people that I should let go of because they don't really have my best interest or are holding me back from things that are going to make me better. I really don't know.

But today, I was alone. Left to my work, my womanly duties and the sense of not knowing where I belong. :-(

When it is what it is....

Ha! That is a phrase I say a lot... "it is what it is". I don't know why. Because I truly believe that you live life once and it is always not what it seems.

I have points in my life that I want to SCREAM about right now. Things aren't going right and I am holding on for dear life. I am staying still during this test and relying on faith to guide me through. As I tell my friends, "I know I am being prepared for something great"!!!

But my life is not all bad by no means. I have something that is so great in my life that I want to SHOUT about. But I can't. It is what it is and it is not the time to let the world know. It may never be. But rest assured that this part of my life is so great. I am very happy and somewhat fulfilled. I don't want anything else in that part of my life because I am satisfied at this moment.

Maybe one day I will get to shout and let the world know how great that part of my life is. But for now, it is what it is.

Jealousy

Lately I have been a little jealous.... I'm usually not that type of person. But lately I have noticed I have been. Whenever I "see" it, I feel my face turn up. Whenever I "hear" it, I smack my lips and act like I don't care. Internally I really, really do.

I don't want to be. But I can't help it. I need to get rid of this feeling because it is not beneficial. It makes the "ugly" in me come out. Essentially, I have no right to be jealous.

I have to heed the words "what is for you, is for you"...... That is my motto right now. I am going to work on not being jealous. But it is a hard thing right now......

Didn't know my own strength

I haven't bought the new Whitney album, but the title of the this song stands out for me... Anyone who knows me, they know that I have been through some things. Some people may think that it isn't that bad. I have never been in jail (thank God), I have never had deal with drugs, or abuse.

But I have had to deal with several bad relationships. I have dealt with the death of a child. I have dealt with being so broke I didn't know if I would make it out.... But I am still standing and I am here.

Someone once told me that the thing they like about me the most is how I keep going and trusting even through all that I have been through. Especially with men. And it is true. I've been lied to, cheated on, left for the next best thing... All of the above.

But I still have faith that the man that God has for me is out there. I still have faith that I will have more children. I still have faith that through all the ugliness there is beauty.

Don't get me wrong, there are days when I get down and think "why in the hell is this happening to me".... Then I look back and realize the strenght that I have. I remember that I got through the death of my daughter. I have gotten through EVERY bad break up or misdeed that was done to me. And quiet as kept, someone else was waiting not too long after those things happened :-)...

As I merge toward turning 35 in January I realize the life is a process. My best friend tells me all the time that I must enjoy life because it goes fast. He is so correct! So for the past year or so I have just been enjoying life and what comes with it. Times have been hard, but they could be so much harder!!!

You never really know your own strength until you have to use it.... I'm glad God is allowing me to use mine.

When the dreams are not what are meant to be.....

What happens when you have the lost the will? What happens when the enthusiasm you had for something just isn't there anymore? What do you do when the thing you wanted the most, you no longer have the desire for anymore? What do you do? Where do you go?

I think I, like several people I know, are at that crossroad in my life. Life is just getting too complicated. It just seems as if you take 5 steps forward and 7 back. There doesn't seem to be any relief.

I have been going through a lot of things over the past month and I have really been keeping it to myself. I don't think anyone would understand the struggles that I have been going through or would really seem to care. As I look at some people, it just seems that everything is grand. I just wonder why God allows for things to continue to happen and I have to be this "strong" person. Why must I always be the strong one?

Sometimes I just want to give up. I get tired of fighting. I remember a sermon I heard a few weeks ago that stated that whatever is going on we must not get tired. Not knowing what the future holds is tormenting. Sometimes it seems that I am fighting just to get ready for another battle and another and another. When will the battles end? When will I stop climbing the mountains and get to enjoy the valley?

I am at the point in my life where I don't know about figuring out my purpose. I am asking God to remove the thoughts from my head that He knows are not in His plan. If I am not going to be married, I ask him to remove that want from me so I can move forward. If there are no more children to be in my life, please remove that want. If my career is what it is, just help me to see that so I can move forward. The struggle to figure out my purpose is taking a lot out of me. Especially at this point in my life. I'm jsut really tired. And there is no body out there that can understand what I am going through.

At some point in time, I hope and pray that I can figure this out. Life for me is pretty hard right now. But I continue to smile and hide what is really going on. I just don't know where to begin in my journey to figure out my purpose. But I pray that through this journey I don't lose my faith. I need that to survive.

Are you fulfilled?

How do we know if our life is going in the right direction? How do you really know if what you are doing is what you are really what you are suppose to do? I have these questions running in my head often because I just don't know if the things that I have going on in my life are what is truly meant for me.

I wonder if I am suppose to spend my career here in Georgia. I wonder if I am suppose to be a teacher. I always wonder am I suppose to be single for the rest of my life. I've seen others do it, but I haven't gotten to the point where I am content.

I think I need to get to the point of contentment. I fall off when things that were going great suddenly aren't so great anymore. Whether its jobs or friendships, things usually turn. I hear people say that you can't judge other people's lives and compare that to your own. I know this is true. I have friends who on the outside it looks as if everything is grand. But on the inside they are miserable.

I guess I wish that God would reveal his purpose. I would love a "sneak peak". I would love to know if the desires of my heart are truly in my grasp or is this something that God just doesn't have planned for me. Not knowing is tormenting!!! But I know whatever it is God has my best interest at heart.

Things are ok in my life right now. Some days are better than others. But I keep my smile and hope that my purpose is revealed soon. I think I am ready to fulfill my destiny.

Out of nowhere....

You always hope that you leave a lasting impression on people that you meet. You want them to remember the good things that you have done. You should want them to have a smile on their face when they hear your name. At least that's what I hope when someone hears my name.

Recently on one of my social networking sites I have had several people say to me how they had these crushes on me and how they always thought I was a beautiful woman. I thank them for the compliment I am constantly wondering where we these men when I really needed them to be there? There was a time when I thought that NO MAN wanted to be with me. Now all of sudden they want to come out of the woodwork. But the crazy thing about it is they still don't want to be with me (for one reason or another).

I guess I should be flattered at the compliments and I am thankful. But at the same time, I don't hold them with high regard. I am a true believer in "actions speaking louder than the words". I am also a believer in people who pay attention to "the details".

I miss my friend. He always knew "the details". He knew details that I didn't even know existed. That always let me know that he was paying attention. Circumstances have it that we aren't able to have fun like we use it. But I hope he never forgets "the details". Because I can never forget about him....

Changes

There are so many changes going on right now in my life I feel like my head is ready to spin. Some are great. Others are expected changes but are not going as well as I would have liked.

I remember when I was taking this class a few years ago. We looked at a video entitled "Who Moved my Cheese". I thought this was a very powerful video because it talked about how people deal with change. I know I don't deal with change very well sometimes. Especially when the change is not in my favor.

I know this academic year is going to be hard on so many levels. I walked into the doors of my school with lots of enthusiam. Today I have this feeling of why was I chosen to stay. You never know in the beginning as to why God allows you to go through certain situations. I still don't know. Hopefully everything that I am experiencing right now (both at work and at home) is beneficial to my overall strength and faith. This is what I know I need to get through this period!

Rain

Life can deal you some crazy things. it is so very interesting. One day you could be on cloud nine and the next you can feel like you are in that "rabbit hole". It never fails. The good times don't always last.

But then you have to figure out how you want to deal witth those "rainy days". Do you want to sit and be glum, or do you want to say "fuck you rain! you will not be here forever." I'm trying to take the latter approach but it gets difficult sometimes.

This year (school year) is going to be a difficult one. I know I'm going to be faced with some emotional days ahead of me. But I now have to make sure I face these challenges and difficult times with a sense that "trouble don't last always". Some people are here to love you and some are just hear to make your life miserable.

The road to my "purpose driven life" has been rocky. But I must be thankful that I am still here and I have had great opportunities. I'm looking forward to what lies ahead, even the "rain". Because at the end of the rain the sun does come out again. And the sun is where I want to be.

Treading Water

I like my blog. It lets me get things off of my chest when I really don't have the opportunity to do in the public eye. Sometimes I write things on the blog instead of tell my friends because I don't want to seem like I am always "blue".

Times are really hard out here. I feel like I am just staying afloat. I used to think that being an adult was the best thing in the world. When I was younger I couldn't wait to be grown. I thought I could do what I wanted to do it when I wanted to do it. I thought life would get easier. Little did I know...

If I could go back, I would definitely change some things. Some people that I have allowed in my life, I would never allow them in. There are others that I let go that I would do a better job of keeping them there. I would invest more. I would play a little more. I would do a lot of things differently, but there are some things that I would keep the same.

But as I live in today and get ready for tomorrow, I am just treading water. I found the thing that makes me happy, but reality of life sometimes gets in the way. Life's needs sometimes supersede life's wants. Things have to be trimmed. Can't go on many vacations. Christmas won't be as lavish. Some things like eating out, going to movies, getting the latest outfit have to be sacrificed to make sure the needs have been taken care of.

I have been in worst situations. God has always stayed there and gotten me through. That doesn't mean that during those trials I didn't start to doubt. But like my friend told me "you're a fighter". I am. So I continue to fight through this trial. It won't always be this way. I am very blessed to have a job, health and people in my life that I love and care for.

So know that I won't be "blue" forever. It only lasts a short period "Thank God". But I appreciate my "true friends" that already know this, give me a kiss on the forehead or a big hug, and let me know that they are there just for listening. I love and appreciate that so much. That is the best way to get through a trial in my opinion.

I know what makes me happy

My friend told me that I had to find the thing that makes me happy.... I have struggled to figure it out and have cried over it. I have sat in my home and wondered what in the hell am I doing. For awhile I have been so unhappy. I just couldn't understand.

SO.... I sat back, turned off the tv, turned off the phone and figured out when I was my happiest. Then it came it to me.....

I love sports. I will sit and watch a game in a heartbeat. When I have discussions about sports I think I am at my most passionate state. I love it when men know that I know what I'm talking about. Dealing with sports has gotten me through some rough times.

I started to wonder if I go through my "rough spots" when I don't have sports in my life. Ummm.... yeah I do. I love sports so much. My original goal in life was to be a pediatrician. Then I decided to go into broadcast journalism. I left both of the dreams in the past because of the fear of not being successful. Thinking that it wasn't what I was destined to do. I can't do that anymore. I need to do what makes me happy because nobody (best friend, love of your life, dog, cat, etc.) can make me happy but me. I'm tired of crying. I need to step out and do it!

So I'm going to launch my own sports website that discusses my favorite topics in sports. It will be an area to blog, give opinions about sports topics and talk trash about your favorite team.

This is my happy place. This is where I feel comfortable and I am doing something that I love. Many people don't get it. Its ok. I love it.

For awhile now I have been relying on others to help me find my happiness and help me get to that happy place. I can't do that any longer. It's up to me to make this happen. I'm going to see it through....

Finding my happy place

A very good friend told me that I need to find out what makes me happy. That's not as easy as it sounds. My mother tells me all the time that I need to relax and enjoy life. Right now I don't think I can because I have so much to do. I have a lot on my plate. Its just me. And I don't have people lining up to help.

I am blessed with what I have, but right now I feel very overwhelmed. I feel like running away sometimes and just not looking back. Even if its just for a day. Just not being me and living another life so I won't have to deal with all the stuff that I deal with. I keep a lot to myself because some things others just wouldn't be able to help me with. But I think I keep a lot to myself because of pride.

So now I'm on a mission to find my "happy place". That place that no matter what is going on around me, I can go there and feel nothing but joy. But I really don't know where to begin to look. That has been the hardest thing.....

Making changes

Its hard to change things that have been ingrained in you for years. I have recently talked about getting over fears and trying to live life to the fullest. I have definitely made some progress but I still have a ways to go.

I still have those "lazy" days when I don't feel like doing anything. I think a lot of that has to do with what I eat. I don't have the best diet which tends to drag me down a little. But at the same time, I don't get into much activity either. I recently tried yoga. Hot yoga at that. It wasn't bad. The heat wasn't my issue. It was how out of shape I was.

The instructor asked me if I had ever danced. I said yes but it was such a long time ago. She said that through my movement she could see where I had training. I felt good. I used to love to dance. Ballet, tap all of that. I would even dance around the house. Sometimes I still do when no one is looking.

I'm trying to find the things that I love doing and do them. I went to see "Harry Potter" by myself! That is so unlike me for anyone who knows me. But I went alone. I didn't have to, but I did.

I like the new me that is coming out. I still have a lot of work to do, but there are definite positive changes. But I will always remain the bubbly girl who will laugh at just about anything. I don't want that to change at all.....

Is this what it is?

Life is full of risks. People who don't take risks stay in a shell and it becomes hard to break out of that shell. I've been in a shell for a long time. I have been afraid to take risks. But that fear is slowly subsiding. I still have not found the courage to say things to people's face. But I love to write it down. So if I could say this to your face I would say this ( I promise there is no editing):

I don't think you can control your heart. It's not a machine that you can turn on and off. I know this. I won't say that I have never had feelings for a man. I won't say that I have never had a deep caring for a man before. But I know what I feel for you is different. Its scary as hell because i know I'm not suppose to feel this way and I know because of circumstance I can't. But I know this.....

When you feel sad, part of me wants to come and comfort you

I feel happiest when I can help bring a smile to your face

I feel like I could tell you anything, and I have already opened up to you more than anyone

When we are together, just sitting and talking makes my day

I feel safe when you hold me

I hope you feel safe when I hold your head in my lap

The time we spend talking and laughing is precious to me and I enjoy every minute of it

When your not around I pray that everything is ok

I know that you pray for me as well

I believe the things you say to me

I enjoy all of our intimate moments :-)

You make me smile

I have wondered what this feeling is and I know it is love. I do love you. This has been hard for me to say. But I do feel this way. I'm risking a lot by saying this, but I feel like I needed to tell you how I felt. I would be more devastated if I never had the chance. No actions needed. I just wanted you to know.

So if I had the opportunity, I would say this. But once again I am a chicken. So I write it down and imagine in my fantasies that I am saying this. But I wake from my fantasy before I see your reaction. Again, fear has taken over.....

Lions, Tigers and Bears.....

Just cause I love you and you love me,
It doesn't mean that we'll ever be.
Fly cross the ocean, sing for the queen
But the most frightening thing is you and me.

I'm not scared of lions and tigers and bears (no I'm not)
But I'm scared of (loving you)
I'm not scared to perform at a sold out affair (that's right)
But I'm scared of (loving you)
Am I the only one who thinks it's an impossible task
Why it don't last? Is that too much to ask?
Why do we love Love,
When Love seems to hate us?

I love this song...

Secrets

People have had secrets for years. Little kids have secrets because they don't want to get in trouble. Adults have secrets because they don't want to get in trouble too. Or they just like to know other people's secrets because they like to be in everyone's business.

I think I have been a secretive person for years. My family used to get on me a lot about being so secretive. I didn't and still don't think it is a bad thing. I think I am secretive to guard myself. Especially my feelings and my heart. It takes a long time for someone to penetrate those areas because of past experiences. But I tend over time to let some in. Some that I have let in have truly disappointed me so I've had to block them back out. Others have been wonderful. My circle is small and even within that circle there are maybe 1 or 2 people who know everything about me.

I still hold some secrets. None of them are bad or would hurt anyone. But I still hold it because of fear or reactions. You don't want anyone to think that you are a nut or your over exaggerating. I've been holding something back that I want to tell, but every time I get ready I lose the nerve. I want to tell it so bad. But I still lock up when it forms on my lips.

There is going to come a time when all this fear goes to the side and I won't care about reactions. I have learned through recent events that you should tell people what matters to you while they are here. It won't matter once they are gone. That day is slowly coming because more and more I am finding the courage to say the things that matter to me.

Revealing more about me to people that I "trust" has been good. Holding all this stuff inside can be a burden. But it takes time to open up.

Do we have the right to judge

Recently there have been many unexpected deaths among celebrities as well as every day citizens. I talked about this in my last post. But with these deaths have come some controversy. It has just been confirmed that Steve McNair's death has been ruled a homicide-suicide. This situation is tragic for everyone involved. It is tragic for Steve McNair's family because they had little to no knowledge of the situation and for the young woman's family. She was obviously distraught to take these type of actions.

What bothers me the most about what has transpired is everyone who is quick to make judgments about both of these individuals. I've heard that he was a "dog" and he got everything that he deserved. I've heard that she was "crazy and confused" to think that he would leave his wife for her. People from facebook to twitter have given their two cents about this situation; mainly to say that this is something that they would "never" do. Mainly to say that they are above this type of behavior and anyone who does participate in this type of behavior is "evil". These statements have really bothered me.

These statements have bothered me because I have learned through life experience to "never" say "never". Especially when you discuss matters of the heart. I once had a friend tell me that you can control who you fall in love with. I argued her up and down, but she didn't change her mind. I stopped trying.

I am not free from sin. I have done my share of things that may be wrong to others. But with this I have learned that I am not living for other people. I can't sit and judge Steve McNair for his decisions that he made. All I can do is pray for his family that they find the strength to recover from this tragedy. The same for the young woman's family. I feel this way for anyone who feels like their life is not worth living anymore.

We have to be careful when we stand and begin to pass judgment on people. As humans, sometimes we tend to believe that being in Christ gives us the right to judge others and their actions as if what we do is Christlike all the time. I guarantee that this is not the case.

I stand quiet when I hear these comments about McNair and his credibility as a father being questioned because I don't want to argue with people. I know that the minute I begin to speak and give my opinion people will begin to pass judgment on me. But I am grown enough to also understand that others judgments are not what count in the end. In the famous words of my buddy "fuck 'em". If you hear me passing judgment on someone please call me on it. This is not the way I want to live my life.

What is meant for you, is meant for you

I've been on this earth for 34 years. Prayerfully I will be on this earth many more. But one thing I don't want to continue to do is compare my life with someone else. I have a bad habit on looking at other people's situations and thinking that I have done something wrong so I'm being punished.

I've actually had someone tell me that I wasn't married because there was something wrong with me. I looked @ him like he was a damn fool! But at the same time I began to question myself. I began to wonder why it was easy for some people to find the person that they were meant to fall in love with. I began to question why some people who I KNEW were evil as hell and had done some real low down stuff were able to find their mate. Where was my mate?

I have always been a strong woman. I've been able to handle situations that many people probably couldn't. Death, poverty, hunger... you name it, I've done it! In the end I have grown and become stronger.

But there is always that part of me that wonders if the "family life" is meant for me. I'm I meant to be a wife, a mother to other children, a grandmother (in the future)? Or am I meant to be single for the rest of my life? I will admit I do get discouraged. I see others and I do become very jealous. That is human nature.

But then I remember my faith. I know that God is not done with me. God wants me to enjoy ME. God wants me to enjoy MY STRENGTHS and live everyday in His glory. That has been a true struggle for me.

Despite everything that seems to be going wrong in others eyes, there are some things that are going right. I have to truly believe that God has a plan. My faith must endure and know that what is meant for me is meant for me. Because I cannot see it now does not mean that it is not there. And my biggest obstacles is believing!

It is a slow journey for me but I am getting there. I truly believe that there is a plan for all of us. We are dealt circumstances to prepare us for what God has in store. I need to look at these situations that I find myself in as preparation.

Putting things into perspective

It seems like the past week or so has been filled with nothing but tragedy. Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Michale Jackson and now Steve McNair! Granted none of these people I knew personally, but it still comes as a shock that all of these individuals were taken away around the same time.

It makes me really think about my life and what I have done in the first 34 years. Have I really lived? Have I done things that truly make me happy? The answer will have to be not totally.

I had a conversation with my really good buddy and he was telling me that I have to do the things that make me happy. Start living because life is just too short. I've allowed certain things to get in the way of fulfilling happiness (money, time, work, etc.) I can't allow that to happy anymore.

I am truly making the commitment to live by my faith in God and LIVE! I'm going to start doing things that I really want to do. In other words, I'm going to start making time for me. If I want to just sit in at night and watch movies I'm going to do that. If I want to go bowling I'm going to do that. I want people to remember me as someone who loved to do what she wanted to do and had a great time doing it.

So consider this a point that "Nae is making some changes". Some things and/or people have to go. Everybody can't stay in your life forever. But I do know that life is really short and time stops for no man. I'm going to live, live, live!! Thanks Jibba. Your words inspired this thought process!

Letting go

Today, I did something that I would never do, something that has one of the hardest things to do in my adult life.................

I ACTIVATED MY SON'S CELL PHONE!!!! UGH

First let me say that I didn't buy the phone myself, nor did anyone else purchase the phone for him. I made it very clear to everyone that suggested the idea that I thought he was not ready for the phone. He got the phone because he earned it on his own.

During his summer program, he had to earn points by doing WORK! Something that is somewhat lost with this generation. The top prize was the Go phone and he had to do a lot to get that phone. So when he called me to tell me that he earned the phone I had two very different reactions.

One part of me was excited because he set a goal and he accomplished it. He worked very hard and this has not been his character in recent situations. I thought he was somewhat maturing. The other part of me went into fear. Is he old enough for a phone? Will he be responsible? Who does he need to call? I'm the only woman (besides my mother) in his life!

All these thoughts started rushing into my mind. I started to realize that in 8 years my son will be going to college and it will just be me again. Eight years go by fast. Shoot, he'll be 10 next month!

I realized that I have to let go just a little to allow him to grow. Its even harder when he doesn't have a man in his life. I guess that's why I have been so protective. I don't want him to get hurt. But I had to listen to a good friend that told me that sometimes he will have to go through things that I can't protect him from. I need to let go a little. So I have. Just a little. As time goes on he will have to step up and I think he can handle it.

He's not mowing the lawn yet, but I love and trust him to make the right decisions. We shall see!!!

Day one

When you decide that your life is not where you would like it to be and determine to take the viewpoint that you must live and be content in the now, you have to take it day by day. Day one is today and I have to start with today.

Today, I am determined to stop looking at the past.
Today I am determined not to look at what others have and look at the blessings that are in front of me...
Today I am determined not to be sad or angry, but be joyful

I have to start with just three... Putting too many "determines" on my plate would probably be overwhelming. I am looking forward to what today brings.

Can't sleep

Its almost midnight and i should be asleep but i can't seem to go to bed. I have so many things running around in my head right now.... its preventing me from getting a good night's rest.

i can't really pinpoint it, but i'm not happy with where I am right now. My job is not the best place right now and maybe that may have something to do with it, but its not the total reason I am not happy..

I really need to find my "niche".... find what makes me happy. I don't know what that is now. I need to find a place of contentment. Be happy where I am in my life. I think I am beating myself up because my life is not where I think it should be.

I need to just be happy where I am, be happy for others and be content. This is so hard. I've been down this road before and I just don't want to keep coming back to this spot.

Coming of age

Yesterday I went to a 30th birthday party. I was very happy for my friends because turning 30 is a huge milestone. For some, 30 means you are "really" a grown up. I remember when I turned 30. I didn't do a big party, but I had a good time. Back then, I felt like 30 was my time to start over; get past mistakes that I had made in my 20s and move forward. It was my time to renew. I had all these plans of things I wanted in my 30s.

Now I am 7 months away from turning 35! Another milestone.... and now another time to reflect. Part of me is very excited to turn 35. Another part of my wants everything to slow down. I feel like time is just going and going and I can't keep up. I sometimes feel like my life is passing me by!

There are so many things I want to do or have that I have come to realize that may not be in the cards for me. But will I be ok with that? I have to be.... I have to learn to be content with what life deals me. Right now that is hard. I am such a go getter. In the past, when situations weren't going my way, I created situations to make things turn in my favor. In some instances, this was not the best choice.

I try not to cry about it, but sometimes the fear of not knowing what life has in store hits me. I have a lot of fears, but I try not to think about them. So I just keep smiling, telling everyone "I'm good" and look forward to my 35th birthday. Hopefully when I reflect this time, I can stop trying to set goals and just enjoy the fact that I am alive and blessed. Only God knows what is in store. Not knowing is painful, but I have to have faith that He is preparing me for something that is "the best thing I've ever had"..... I'm looking forward to that day!

Don't take it personal

I think I am too sensitive. Let me first be clear. I could give two shits about people that I know don't give a damn about me. When people like that try to do things to destroy me, I go into attack mode. The wall goes up and I treat them like the piece of shit they are.

But the people that I care about are a little different. I know the things that they do are not intentional. Nonetheless, I take their words and actions to heart. I won't show it, but inside I feel like I am falling apart. I get by myself and I may cry, just want to be alone and just sit and think. I take that little time for me to get myself together.

Again, the people I care about are not hurting me, I'm just sensitive. It is hard being sensitive. I don't like it sometimes. Sometimes I do. It can beneficial when I can help someone that feels that things aren't going their way. But there are other times when being sensitive is not fun. I need to find a way to stay out of these times and not let the little things get to me. I'm going to get there!

When are we going to take responsiblity?

I am a proud product of the Detroit Public School System. I graduated from one of the top schools in the city and I tell anyone who asks me that I truly believe in public education. My mother was a public school teacher and I believe in what public schools bring to a community.

In recent years there have been many problems in DPS as well as other urban school systems. In Detroit, there has been serious mismanagement, graduation rates are at a low (compared to other systems in the area) and people are taking their children out of the schools.

The first people that get the blame are the teachers. I've heard the stories every system I've been in except for one: they don't teach, they can't control the classes, they don't like my child, etc, etc, etc.

But there is one group that city officials, government, media and the swoon of others that have yet to bear a large of part of the responsibility of how kids do in school: the parent/guardian!
When did we suddenly say that parents/guardians, no matter what the situation is, have no responsibility on how their child functions in school?

This is a major problem for me as a teacher. I cannot control what goes on outside of my class, but yet and still I have become responsible for how the effects of that outside environment delegate into my classroom. Education has become a disrespected entity in our society and this is a major reason why our schools, whether urban or suburban, are failing in some way.

We have to change the shift in our thinking about education. Look at what we are bringing in as well as what we are putting out. Remove ourselves from thinking that a letter grade lets me know the intelligence of a student. What does an "A" really mean? Can that student apply the knowledge outside of a multiple choice test?

Its very frustrating as a teacher sometimes, and I know that I am not the only one who feels this way. I have had numerous conversations with people about this and I get all types of feedback. Maybe one day we will change the thinking but it is going to take a lot of effort that cannot be found in a classroom.

Counting my blessings!

2008 was a very turbulent year for me. I got into a car accident that totalled the car that I really loved and I found myself out of a job. For the first time in a long time, I didn't know what to do. I felt like my whole world was falling. Yes I had made some bad choices for these events to occur, but it was nothing that was done maliciously. I felt like people around me, that were suppose to be my "friends", were turning their backs on me. I had a small group of people in my corner. I was alone and ashamed. Who wants to tell people they lost their job?

But I turned to the one person that I knew was on my side God! My faith that everything was going to turn out OK was at its strongest. Things definitely looked bleak, but at that moment, I decided that the events that were happening were meant to benefit me, not hurt me. There were many nights that I cried, stayed in the bed (or on the couch) and did absolutely nothing but watch TV. Then I looked at my child and I saw what I was doing was effecting him. I had to get off my ass.

As I look back at everything that happened, I new God's voice telling me that He had a plan for me was real. I did get another job & it paid higher than the job I lost. I got a new car and economically it was better because I got into the accident just as gas prices to rise out of the butt! When all of this happened, I thought I wasn't going to be able to move into my new home. I did move into that home and ended up getting a better deal in the end. I am now in a leadership position in my new job which would have been much tougher to get in my old job.

I look back and all I can say is "Thank you". There are definitely days when I think "why do these things happen to me". But all I have to do is look back and thank Him because He has blessed me with so much. Not just with the physical and a great BFF, but with a stronger faith that there is nothing that man can do that can destroy me. Thank you Jesus!

Why hold back?

I had a friend tell me once that I should just say what I feel and not worry about the consequences. He had a little bit more courage than I do. Because of his courage we are the greatest friends to date. But I don't think I would have had the same courage.

I always hesitate to tell somebody what I really think. Especially when you are talking about feelings. Feelings are a part of the soul, and if those feelings are not acknowledged or reciprocated then it can cause scars. And I guess I still have some of those scars.

But holding back is not helping either. There is always that area of "what if" and you never know unless you actually say what you want to say. I do believe saying what I want to say will not cause a bunch of mess, but there is still that fear.

I will one tell this person what I want to say. It is definitely not anything bad! No matter what their reaction is I need to tell this person what I am feeling. Holding back is doing nothing for me. Or the other person. They just keep wondering because everyday they ask "what's on your mind" and I say "nothing"!!!! LOL They just don't know there is so much running through my brain that I just am not ready to admit yet.

I will eventually tell, in due time! Hopefully when I do I won't get a strange look, but maybe a great conversation! And I can finally get past some of the fears I have of telling people how I really feel about them. Ugh... Life is hard sometimes! But fun!!!!

Can't wait

I think when I see him I am going to give him the biggest hug. I am going to hold him until he tells me to stop. I hope he won't.

I didn't realize how much I missed him until I went on this trip. It isn't the sexual moments that I miss (although those are nice). I miss the personal time. I miss him coming by and greetings at the door. I miss talking to him on the phone every morning. He doesn't realize that gets me going in the morning. I miss holding his face in my hands and just hearing him breathe. I actually miss going to work out with him at the part. That's like our time and I enjoy it.

I enjoy when he lays his head on my chest or lap and falls asleep. Its my time to take care of him. I like when we just sit and watch tv. That's the great part about our relationship. We don't have to do anything. Just being near and around each sometimes is enough. If we get bored, we can think of something to do and be ok. If not, being at home is quite alright.

He has been such an important addition to my life, a few days away from it makes me sad. But I am heading home today. I won't see him for a couple of days, but I will know that he is near. That makes my heart skip a beat.... He's really by BFF!!!

Sick time

ugh... I hate being sick!!!! It is not a good feeling. I always get sick when I have something to get done. I usually only catch one cold a year. But this year, for some strange reason, I have gotten sick more than once.

I always feel out of it and I am not able to do the things that I really want to do. I admit that I got this last cold having a lot of fun (hee hee), but I still hate the recovery time.

My body feels like a train wreck hit it.... It is weak. I'm very tired although I won't admit it. But I keep on trucking. Good thing school is out. I can rest my body but I need someone to take care of me...

Home alone....

I'm sitting here watching the NBA game and I am all alone. I hate it sometimes. I had such a great weekend where I knew at some point during the evening I wasn't going to be alone. It was nice to have someone to hug and just lean on and fall asleep on!!! That was the greatest feeling!

I like to snuggle. It's a great feeling. I feel safe when I'm being held....

Although it doesn't happen often, I mean snuggling @ night, I enjoy it when I can. It is a rare occasion and I treasure all of the memories when I do. Its nice every time!

Never enough time

There is never enough time in the day to do what needs to be done. Whether it is work related or pleasure, it seems as if time seems to fly by and I can't get what I want to get done done!!! I will admit, I am sometimes distracted by things. Prime example, right now I should be doing schoolwork, but instead I decided to blog. Or Facebook..... OMG! I can get easily distracted by that spot.

But I am determined to become more organized this summer. A friend of mine has encouraged me to back up all of my files and go paperless. That makes sense. I am known for keeping paper around. I'm just afraid that I will need it one day. This way, I will always have it and won't have to worry about trying to make room for new things.

Because of the new position I will have with my job next year and all the things I want to do (finish this Ph D, write my screenplay, write my book, etc) I must become a more organized person. I'm going to have to eat better and exercise on a regular basis.  I lose my interest sometimes, but I have a good motivator. He keeps me in line with what I am suppose to do.

So I am begging my quest of becoming more organized by becoming paperless. I let you know how that journey goes as the summer goes on!

My vacation.... and my next moves

This memorial day weekend I begin my vacation. I always look forward to my summer breaks. I guess that is part of the reason why i love being a teacher. I get those summers off.

The summer is my time to reflect.

I had an interesting conversation with a very good friend today. We talked about having children. This friend expressed the concern that was there about being a parent. Me being a parent I tried my best to reassure my friend that they will be a great parent because I see how they interact with kids they work with.

It got me to thinking: Am I a good parent?

I had my son when I was 24.. young and dumb. I thought I was in love, but it turned out that it was nothing but infatuation. I know that now. But my strong desire for this man had me messed up for years.

Even though that relationship didn't work out, I wanted my son. I was ready to be a parent. But I didn't realize how hard it would be. There are days I just want to curl up and cry because it is stressful at times. Especially because he's a boy. 

I'm a hard parent. And that is only because I don't have a man in my life that is helping me to raise him. I need my son to understand that the actions of his father are not what men are suppose to do.  But at the same time I want my son to know that I love him and would do anything for him.

That's why I sacrifice sleep so he can go play basketball. That's why i make sure he does all his work and give him chores. That's why I make him get off the video games when he plays them too long.

I have seen what giving a kid too many options has done to them when they grow up and I don't want that for my son.  I don't want to raise a momma's boy.

I know I am making some mistakes. But I'm raising someone to be a man and I don't know what being a man is. I ask God to guide me all the time because I am doing my best.

I always thought that one day I would have more kids. I'll be 35 next year and I am at the point where I am starting to realize that this may not be an option for me. I may not get married, I may not have more children naturally.  I am still thinking about adopting a child. There are so many black children out there who need a good home.

But for now, I am working on not being too hard on my son, but still having a stern demeanor. He needs to know that life is not an easy thing, but I want him to enjoy his childhood. Hence, I am buying him a dog for his birthday! Anybody who knows me knows that I said I would NEVER have a pet. Especially a dog. But my son gets straight A's and is a really good child. I can do that. I can make that sacrifice.

Fear

I can say that there have been many times when I have been truly afraid. I am afraid of heights. Let me clarify. I am afraid of being still and being high up somewhere. But I will get on a roller coaster in a second. I love the thrill.

I am afraid of snakes. I hate them. I had an incident happen to me once at my grandmother's house and it freaked me out. Will not go near one. I also hate spiders, bugs of any kind and insects period. This is probably why I don't go outside for long periods of time. Especially in the summer.

But I guess my biggest fear is rejection. It can be a mind blower for me. Hence, I am not the one in the crowd to approach someone and say hello, or ask how you are doing. I am pretty reserved. I guess it is the Capricorn nature in me.

I know I am afraid to say the wrong thing to people and they never speak to me again or say something that makes them think I am an idiot. I present myself as a strong woman. Please don't get me wrong, I am VERY strong. But there is still that piece of me that has some fear.

There are some things that I want to say to people that I won't say for fear of their reactions. Its a 50/50 chance. It can go one way or go another. So I decide not to take the chance. Just leave it to whomever to try and figure it out. If they do, great! If they don't, I guess it was never meant to be said.

But I can't continue to live this way. I have to not let fear control me even if its just a small portion of my life. This is not to say that I am just going to do whatever and say whatever I please. But I have to be willing to take the risk. How will I ever know.

At the right moment, at the right time, I am going to let fear go. It could be the greatest moment of my life, or it can be a fucking mess... LOL

Either way, I know I am going to have to do it. Gotta be more of a risk taker in '09 and the year is halfway over.  Much still to do.....

Uh huh

The last few days have been better. I think my last post was a lot of fear. Just thinking about past experiences and things that I have been through I got really scared. But there is really nothing to be scared of.

God allows me to go through situations to grow and to learn. And I have learned a lot

My life right now is very different. I never thought it would be like this when I was younger. There are definitely things I would change, but there is so much more that I would keep the same.

There are also some things that I still want. Those may or may not come, but whatever the case, I have to be happy with the way things are.

I'm happy that I have met someone who is one of my "best" friends and has opened my eyes to so much more. He is truly a blessing in my life.

I often wonder what my life will be like 1 year, 3 years even 5 years from now. I have had plenty of people tell me that they had decided that their life would be one way. Next thing they know, things have totally changed and it has been a true blessing. It cam unexpectedly.

So now I think I need to wait for the unexpected. The good and the bad. It is what is meant for me. The unexpected so far has been wonderful. Why would I think that God would give me anything else?

Faith is what keeps me going. I know He has great plans for me. This is actually the beginning of something so great that I won't be able to carry it all. I love it. I truly do.

I know there are going to be bad times, but I have to learn to let my faith guide me through. I need to stop letting "the devil" come in and steal my joy.... LOL

I say it all the time but I need to BELIEVE it.  I do now. I really do now. My life is good. Good friends, a good job, a wonderful family.... everything that a woman could wish for.  I love it!

it isn't fair

Life can deal you some fuck up shit sometimes. Life just isn't fair. They say that life deals the same way for people who are nice and those who are evil. But I think people who are evil get all of the best shots.  It seems that people who do all the wrong things they get what they want. They get the best things in life.

I wonder all of the time why I don't get the things i like or want.

I just don't think life is fair. I hate life right now. I hate my life right now. I don't want to live my life right now. Right now, nothing is going the way I want it. I hate my life right now.

I like

I like when I can stare into his eyes and he stares into mine and no words are exchanged. We just look at each other.

I like when we just sit close, face to face, and listen to each other breathe

I like caressing his face. Following every line, every wrinkle in his smile

I like to see him smile. It makes my day brighter.

I like when he touches me. It makes me feel as if nothing in the world could come in between that.

I like when he vents to me. It lets me know that he trusts me and wants me to hear what he is feeling.

I like to hear him call me "Nae". Many do, but when he says it, it has a different feeling...

I just LOVE being around him. His laugh, his walk, his talk.... It makes my soul happy. I haven't felt like this before. I love every minute of it!

I pray that it never ends!!!

Happiness

What is happiness? Can you truly define it a set of words. Or is it just a feeling you have? What do you do when your happy? Do you cry? Do you smile all day so people will ask what is going on with you? Or do you just smile inside and think about the things that made you happy.

I have learned not to let others define my happiness. I can't wait for others to make me happy. I have to create it sometimes. Which means I have to do some self discovery. Find out what makes me happy. I know I'm happy when I bowl. It is sooooo much fun to me. I love playing my Wii lately. Especially with my Wii partner (wink). He makes it hillarious.

I love when I talk to my BFF everyday. We laugh, joke, discuss, philosophize about all sorts of shit. And it makes me feel good.

People have all different levels of happiness. I am trying to discover what it means to be content. Once I do this, I can learn to be happy. Happy with the way my body looks and feels, happy with the way others see me, happy with being a single woman: just happy!

I think once I learn to be content with the way things are, things will fall into place. I am taking baby steps though. This is not going to happen overnight.

Give up or keep moving?

What do you do when everything that you that was good was a lie? Do you give up and say no more or do you keep moving on?

I've faced that question so many times I don't know how to answer it anymore. I feel like whenever i take a step forward, I always end up being pushed two steps back.

Matters of the heart are so hard. They never end up easy because when emotions come into play, anything can happen. But I feel like when it comes to me, I'm a glutton for punishment

I try to make the right decisions, but they always end up being the wrong ones. I try not to go down the same roads, but i still up there.... why?

I have always thought that everyone is destined to do something or be with someone. Part of of me still believes this. But there is another part of me that wonders..... what if there are some who are meant to be alone?

i think i need to be content that i may be the one who is alone. I may have to be that woman is not married and has 1 child and that's it. My wants may to be what God wants for me. It hurts saying it, but if this is what God's intention for me is I have to trust Him.

I have to learn to be happy with where i am right now. No matter what the circumstances are. Even when I think I am alone, I'm not alone. He is always with me.

I'm not going to talk about what I "want" anymore. I'm going to thank God for providing me with my "needs" at this point. That's what i need to do to keep me strong. And prevent others from believing that their ill will can continue to hurt me.

When it is time to let go...

Matters of the heart are so complicated. One day you meet someone and you may hope that the person is "the one". You may date for awhile and then find out that the person was not who you thought he/she was. I seem to run into that problem all of the time.

Then you meet someone who is absolutely perfect. He/she is the person that you have always dreamed of. They treat you with the utmost respect, genuinely enjoy your company, you just have a great time with this person. But in the end it can never be. That person belongs to someone else. This situation also seems to follow me.

Finally there is the person that you want so bad, but they don't want you. You try to prove yourself to that person. You want them to know that you are desirable and that you have much to offer. But to no avail "they are just not that into you". I haven't had those problems as of late, but I have seen this road before.

Needless to say I have seen all three of these situations at some point in my lifetime.... Of course through these situations, i have seen the heartache too. But despite all of that I decided to continue to give love a chance.

A good friend told me that this was a quality that he liked about me so much. Even though I have been through hell and high water with men, i still decide to give love a try. I have to. I truly believe that there is someone out there for me who wants to be with only me. There will be no strings attached. There may be ups and downs but we would both be willing to work through those issues.

Recently, i had to decide to let a man go because i thought he was taking me for granted. I knew that he cared for me, but it wasn't going the way that I truly believed was in the best interest of my heart. Was it hard? Hell yeah... I cried about it because I truly do care for this person. But "timing" was and is so crucial. The time for "us" was not at that time. But I had to come to realize that this didn't mean that our "time" would never be.

Even though I get knocked down by love time and time again, i choose to get up. I choose to keeping fighting the fight. I choose to still believe that my "man" is out there looking for me as I am looking for him. We shall see. One day he will be revealed....

Waiting....

Today I had a epiphany.... 

I was talking to my friend Mark and we were talking about why things are the way they are between us.  We have grown very close in our conversation and laugh every day.  There are definitely those people who don't like our continued friendship, but that is ok. He puts a smile on my face everyday.

The crazy thing about this situation is that I have yet to be intimate with him.  We have grown closer over the last few months but have yet to move beyond a kiss. Wow!!! For me, that is saying a lot.  I have been with men before and at this point in the game we have gotten busy!! LOL  But even though the situation seems frustrating we are still here.

Today took a little downturn.  When you are dealing with matters of the flesh, feelings and emotions begin to come into play.  Emotions start to rise and realize that you want something really bad.  But circumstances happen that prevent you from acting on those emotions.  That is nothing but God intervening.

Awhile back, when we were still not being intimate I thought that this was going nowhere and I was ready to throw in the towel and say forget it.  Today, I stand here to say that I am waiting on God.  Psalms 3:5 says "Trust in the Lord and lean not on thy own understanding".  I told Mark today, I know the situation looks bleak, but don't give up on us and what God is doing with us.  He is doing great things and if he really didn't want us to be together, the intimacy would have come into play a long time ago.  I truly believe that.

It has taken me a minute to truly believe that this man is meant to be in my life.  I am growing in my patience and waiting on God to say "now is your time".  He put it on my heart to find that scripture and say that to Mark because I could hear the discouragement in his voice.  Today was  a great day for me because I gained a renewed spirit through that conversation.

Any other time I would have been depressed and cried and thought it was over.  I know its not over.  I have claimed victory over the devil's minions through the power of God and all that He has for me.

Mark is a wonderful man that I truly find myself caring for more each day.... We shall see what God has in store for us..

Til the next post......

When to say when

Today I am saying "when"...

I care so much for Mark. But while he is still trying to decide what he wants to do and how he wants to handle this, I can't be second anymore. It hurts too much.  I am at work crying because all I want to do is get in the bed and go to sleep.  I find myself in this situation over and over again and each time it hurts even more.  Why do all these men take me for granted like I am not worth anything????

I am such a good person and when I love, I love hard.  But no one seems to appreciate what I have to give. I'm tired of giving.  I don't want deal with relationships anymore because its too hard and men don't seem to appreciate what I have to give.  REST ASSURED I AM NOT TRYING TO PLAY FOR THE OTHER TEAM!!

But right now, I'm worn out with trying.... I need somebody else to put in some effort....

Tumbling Down

I'm sitting here at 12:45 a.m. crying my eyes out because it feels as if everything that I thought was going well, has just caused me to tumble about 20 feet to the floor.  I had a wonderful weekend.  I spent time with someone that I was truly beginning to care for and I thought was beginning to care for me.

Today, that all changed.  I wonder why I'm always the one who gets left in the dust?  This is one of the reasons why I just don't want to date anymore.  The heartache is just too much for me. I'd rather just be alone then have to deal with one failed relationship after another.  

I put on the strong face and smile and make people think that everything is ok.  But deep down inside I am hurting.  I don't trust anyone: male or female.  I think men just want to use me and woman just want to hate.  In the end, I'm always the one to get hurt.

I keep asking God, why do I have to be the one that is always tested. Why do I have to be the one that always has to endure the pain of heartache.  When is someone going to feel pain over me?  

This is really getting to be too much for me. I just don't want to deal with it anymore.....

A continuation of "time"

The issue of time has been on my mind for awhile now.  Earlier I thought about what it meant by saying it was "bad timing". Now I'm thinking about how relationships go through "time".

When I was younger I looked at my parents and thought this was the way that relationships were suppose to be built. My parents meant in college when my mother was a freshman.  They got married the summer that she graduated and have been married for the past 37 years come this August. I've always thought that this was the way relationships are suppose to be built.  You meet, you date, you fall in love then you get married. But what if this is not the way that God intends all relationships to be built?  Just because things are not in that order does that mean that there is no love there?

I have people tell me a lot that "you must be patient and wait". I used to think "wait for what? He's already taken and he's not going to leave her for me".  But what if this was not the man that was suppose to leave?  What if that wasn't the man I was suppose to go through one of the toughest battles with to see what kind of love could be?

Time is such a strong word. It can mean so much. As I get ready to turn 34 I have taken a closer meaning to the word.  When I was young I thought by the time I was 34 I would have been married with 3 kids, house and living the American dream. Of course it hasn't turned out quite like I thought it would, but it isn't bad either.  But as I look at my situation with "Mark" I'm more inclined to let "time" move as it wants to move.  This time that we are spending together we are growing into very good friends and the caring and attraction that we have for each other grows stronger.  I wake up and think about him and he does the same. It's so cute. We tell each other goodnight and good morning everyday!!! I think we are going through our situation to grow into a love that couldn't be done if we had met any other way.

I agree with him when he tells me we were suppose to meet.  There is no mistaking that.  Now it is a matter of trusting God to order our actions and steps.  I'm trusting God in this relationship he is building.  Others may think I am crazy and they tell me I should just leave him alone til he leaves his "friend".  But this is our time to "grow". This is our time to figure out what it is about each other that we seem to care for and love so much.  I love being around him, talking to him and being his friend. Isn't that how love is suppose to begin anyway????

Til the next post.....

Bad timing or just not your time

The last three men that I have met and we seem to have hit it off great. But for some reason (girlfriend, not ready, etc) the relationship does not grow.  The phrase that I come up with is"bad timing".  The last guy I met told me that these were the wrong words to associate with our situation.  I asked him what he meant. He told me that the word "bad" meant that it wasn't meant to be.  He believes that we were suppose to meet and he was happy that he met me.  At the time I didn't want to hear it and I didn't want to try to understand what that meant.

I have had time to think about it now.  Is it really "bad time" or "just not my time"?  As I've gotten older I have learned to become more patient especially when it comes to relationships.  I have a very bad habit of making rash decisions especially if I think that things are not going my way.  If I am looking at a situation and I think that things are not going the way I think they should, I'm quick to make a decision and it is usually rushed.

Being in this situation with "Mark" is truly teaching me patience. We are still not together, but deep down I know we want to be.  Two years ago I would have told him leave me alone and moved on because the situation is not where I want it to be. But who is to stay that the way I want it to be is the way it is suppose to be?

When I think about this, I think about the movie "The Matrix". I remember the scene when Neo goes to see the Oracle and she tells him that he is not the one.  When he looks into Morpheus's eyes he believes that everything that Morpheus believes is not true.  Finally when he has to save Morpheus he goes through all the challenges in order to find out and believe that he was "the one" all the time. Morpheus tells him in the end that going through the path is better than knowing the path.

Sometimes I feel that this is what I'm doing right now. And the path has been rough. To others it may seem crazy, but I truly believe in my heart and soul that "Mark" is the man that God has put me on this earth to be with. When I'm around him it is not like any feeling that I have ever felt for anyone.  But the hardest thing for me is not putting my hands in the situation to try to manipulate things the way I think they should be at that time.

I don't believe in "bad timing" anymore. I believe that it is "not our time" yet. But our time is coming. The time I continue to go through this situation my caring for this man grows.  God allows things to happen for the greater good to Him.  He wanted me to meet this man and to grow to care about this man.  He wanted this man to meet me and to admit to himself that he cares about me a lot too.  At this time God knows where he wants this to end up.

I don't know what the future holds.  I'm not a fortune teller either. But I know that sometimes your gut feeling is the right feeling.  I know that it is not my time.  However my time is coming soon.  When my time does come, it is going to be like something I have never felt before.

Til the next post!

Something so new

Although 2009 hasn't started off with the glitter that I wanted it to, it has no less been exciting.  I met a really nice guy, but things didn't work out because of a relationship that he was in. Imagine what I was thinking when I found out that the woman, and I mean "woman", he was seeing was older.  When I say older I mean at least early 40's.  I'm only 33 (soon to be 34). All I could say was "wow". When middle age men start dating older woman over me, I am exposed to a whole new world, LOL....

I have talked over the last few days to a few friends about my situation just to try to gain understanding as to why we go through things, especially when it deals with the heart.  Some friends have told me that it just wasn't my time. I've heard that story over and over.  When do you know when it's "your time"? When do you know that the person you are seeing is "the one" you are meant to be with? Do you ever know?

My married friends say "enjoy being single". I tell them it's not about being single for me.  It's about being in an adult relationship where two people love and care for each other and want to grow. Maybe I watch too many movies so I have this warped vision of what I think a relationship should be. I am watching one of my favorite movies "An Officer and A Gentleman".  My favorite parts is at the end when Richard Gere takes Debra Winger off her job and they go off together to live their lives.  That scene is so powerful.  He loved her so much as was willing to take her away from all of her troubles and love her the best way he knew how.  That's the kind of love I'm looking for.  Some people say that kind of love doesn't exist.  But why shouldn't I want that?  I think every person deserves to be loved and want to love another person.  I just end up with people who want to take the love I give and show it to someone else!!! LOL

Right after this happened, I told many of my friends (male and female) that I had given up on love.  I was threw trying to make relationships work because it was too hard. I was tired of being heartbroken.  But a day of crying, I just can't do that. I KNOW God has someone for me out there.  I have gone through many rough romantic experiences for a reason. I don't know what that is yet, but it has a purpose.  Once I figure it out, everything will fall into place.

Until this day happens, I will continue to take care of my family, work hard and take care of the job at hand.  One day everything will be revealed. I think that will be one of the happiest days of my life.

A new beginning

Today I woke up in positive mood.  It is now 2009. The beginning I had been waiting for over the last few months.  Now what am I going to do with it?

As I think about moving forward, I think about a question someone asked me.  Can you put "taking risks" and "walking by faith" in the same category?  I don't think you can.  Risk taking means you don't know if the outcome will benefit or hurt you but you are willing to try and see where things go.  Walking by faith tells me I know that everything is going to turn out alright. Whatever happens, I knowing I'm going to reap the benefits of it.  I'm deciding this year I am walking by faith.

Mark and I still keep in contact.  It would be easy to say, "let it go and move on". But my soul is telling me not to.  To others, this continued friendship is risky because there is no guarantee that I will get the results that I want.  I have already handed this over to God and asked him to guide my actions and words. I am faithful in knowing that at this moment, he is ordering my steps and guiding the words that I speak. He is not putting me in any situation that he knows I can't handle.

In the year 2009, I am going to trust God more in the decisions that I make. I have to stop relying on what I see and don't see. God has worked out miracles for me that I could have never imagined before. What would make me think now that he is not continuing to watch over me? 

In 2009 I am going to stop listening to my "friends" all the time and seeking their advice for every move I make. I know some of them mean well, but sometimes the words that they speak are not the ones I'm suppose to hear.  I'm not going to seek out the advice so that I can hear what I want to hear. I'm going to just "walk by faith".

Andrea