Bad timing or just not your time

The last three men that I have met and we seem to have hit it off great. But for some reason (girlfriend, not ready, etc) the relationship does not grow.  The phrase that I come up with is"bad timing".  The last guy I met told me that these were the wrong words to associate with our situation.  I asked him what he meant. He told me that the word "bad" meant that it wasn't meant to be.  He believes that we were suppose to meet and he was happy that he met me.  At the time I didn't want to hear it and I didn't want to try to understand what that meant.

I have had time to think about it now.  Is it really "bad time" or "just not my time"?  As I've gotten older I have learned to become more patient especially when it comes to relationships.  I have a very bad habit of making rash decisions especially if I think that things are not going my way.  If I am looking at a situation and I think that things are not going the way I think they should, I'm quick to make a decision and it is usually rushed.

Being in this situation with "Mark" is truly teaching me patience. We are still not together, but deep down I know we want to be.  Two years ago I would have told him leave me alone and moved on because the situation is not where I want it to be. But who is to stay that the way I want it to be is the way it is suppose to be?

When I think about this, I think about the movie "The Matrix". I remember the scene when Neo goes to see the Oracle and she tells him that he is not the one.  When he looks into Morpheus's eyes he believes that everything that Morpheus believes is not true.  Finally when he has to save Morpheus he goes through all the challenges in order to find out and believe that he was "the one" all the time. Morpheus tells him in the end that going through the path is better than knowing the path.

Sometimes I feel that this is what I'm doing right now. And the path has been rough. To others it may seem crazy, but I truly believe in my heart and soul that "Mark" is the man that God has put me on this earth to be with. When I'm around him it is not like any feeling that I have ever felt for anyone.  But the hardest thing for me is not putting my hands in the situation to try to manipulate things the way I think they should be at that time.

I don't believe in "bad timing" anymore. I believe that it is "not our time" yet. But our time is coming. The time I continue to go through this situation my caring for this man grows.  God allows things to happen for the greater good to Him.  He wanted me to meet this man and to grow to care about this man.  He wanted this man to meet me and to admit to himself that he cares about me a lot too.  At this time God knows where he wants this to end up.

I don't know what the future holds.  I'm not a fortune teller either. But I know that sometimes your gut feeling is the right feeling.  I know that it is not my time.  However my time is coming soon.  When my time does come, it is going to be like something I have never felt before.

Til the next post!