Sick time

ugh... I hate being sick!!!! It is not a good feeling. I always get sick when I have something to get done. I usually only catch one cold a year. But this year, for some strange reason, I have gotten sick more than once.

I always feel out of it and I am not able to do the things that I really want to do. I admit that I got this last cold having a lot of fun (hee hee), but I still hate the recovery time.

My body feels like a train wreck hit it.... It is weak. I'm very tired although I won't admit it. But I keep on trucking. Good thing school is out. I can rest my body but I need someone to take care of me...

Home alone....

I'm sitting here watching the NBA game and I am all alone. I hate it sometimes. I had such a great weekend where I knew at some point during the evening I wasn't going to be alone. It was nice to have someone to hug and just lean on and fall asleep on!!! That was the greatest feeling!

I like to snuggle. It's a great feeling. I feel safe when I'm being held....

Although it doesn't happen often, I mean snuggling @ night, I enjoy it when I can. It is a rare occasion and I treasure all of the memories when I do. Its nice every time!

Never enough time

There is never enough time in the day to do what needs to be done. Whether it is work related or pleasure, it seems as if time seems to fly by and I can't get what I want to get done done!!! I will admit, I am sometimes distracted by things. Prime example, right now I should be doing schoolwork, but instead I decided to blog. Or Facebook..... OMG! I can get easily distracted by that spot.

But I am determined to become more organized this summer. A friend of mine has encouraged me to back up all of my files and go paperless. That makes sense. I am known for keeping paper around. I'm just afraid that I will need it one day. This way, I will always have it and won't have to worry about trying to make room for new things.

Because of the new position I will have with my job next year and all the things I want to do (finish this Ph D, write my screenplay, write my book, etc) I must become a more organized person. I'm going to have to eat better and exercise on a regular basis.  I lose my interest sometimes, but I have a good motivator. He keeps me in line with what I am suppose to do.

So I am begging my quest of becoming more organized by becoming paperless. I let you know how that journey goes as the summer goes on!

My vacation.... and my next moves

This memorial day weekend I begin my vacation. I always look forward to my summer breaks. I guess that is part of the reason why i love being a teacher. I get those summers off.

The summer is my time to reflect.

I had an interesting conversation with a very good friend today. We talked about having children. This friend expressed the concern that was there about being a parent. Me being a parent I tried my best to reassure my friend that they will be a great parent because I see how they interact with kids they work with.

It got me to thinking: Am I a good parent?

I had my son when I was 24.. young and dumb. I thought I was in love, but it turned out that it was nothing but infatuation. I know that now. But my strong desire for this man had me messed up for years.

Even though that relationship didn't work out, I wanted my son. I was ready to be a parent. But I didn't realize how hard it would be. There are days I just want to curl up and cry because it is stressful at times. Especially because he's a boy. 

I'm a hard parent. And that is only because I don't have a man in my life that is helping me to raise him. I need my son to understand that the actions of his father are not what men are suppose to do.  But at the same time I want my son to know that I love him and would do anything for him.

That's why I sacrifice sleep so he can go play basketball. That's why i make sure he does all his work and give him chores. That's why I make him get off the video games when he plays them too long.

I have seen what giving a kid too many options has done to them when they grow up and I don't want that for my son.  I don't want to raise a momma's boy.

I know I am making some mistakes. But I'm raising someone to be a man and I don't know what being a man is. I ask God to guide me all the time because I am doing my best.

I always thought that one day I would have more kids. I'll be 35 next year and I am at the point where I am starting to realize that this may not be an option for me. I may not get married, I may not have more children naturally.  I am still thinking about adopting a child. There are so many black children out there who need a good home.

But for now, I am working on not being too hard on my son, but still having a stern demeanor. He needs to know that life is not an easy thing, but I want him to enjoy his childhood. Hence, I am buying him a dog for his birthday! Anybody who knows me knows that I said I would NEVER have a pet. Especially a dog. But my son gets straight A's and is a really good child. I can do that. I can make that sacrifice.

Fear

I can say that there have been many times when I have been truly afraid. I am afraid of heights. Let me clarify. I am afraid of being still and being high up somewhere. But I will get on a roller coaster in a second. I love the thrill.

I am afraid of snakes. I hate them. I had an incident happen to me once at my grandmother's house and it freaked me out. Will not go near one. I also hate spiders, bugs of any kind and insects period. This is probably why I don't go outside for long periods of time. Especially in the summer.

But I guess my biggest fear is rejection. It can be a mind blower for me. Hence, I am not the one in the crowd to approach someone and say hello, or ask how you are doing. I am pretty reserved. I guess it is the Capricorn nature in me.

I know I am afraid to say the wrong thing to people and they never speak to me again or say something that makes them think I am an idiot. I present myself as a strong woman. Please don't get me wrong, I am VERY strong. But there is still that piece of me that has some fear.

There are some things that I want to say to people that I won't say for fear of their reactions. Its a 50/50 chance. It can go one way or go another. So I decide not to take the chance. Just leave it to whomever to try and figure it out. If they do, great! If they don't, I guess it was never meant to be said.

But I can't continue to live this way. I have to not let fear control me even if its just a small portion of my life. This is not to say that I am just going to do whatever and say whatever I please. But I have to be willing to take the risk. How will I ever know.

At the right moment, at the right time, I am going to let fear go. It could be the greatest moment of my life, or it can be a fucking mess... LOL

Either way, I know I am going to have to do it. Gotta be more of a risk taker in '09 and the year is halfway over.  Much still to do.....

Uh huh

The last few days have been better. I think my last post was a lot of fear. Just thinking about past experiences and things that I have been through I got really scared. But there is really nothing to be scared of.

God allows me to go through situations to grow and to learn. And I have learned a lot

My life right now is very different. I never thought it would be like this when I was younger. There are definitely things I would change, but there is so much more that I would keep the same.

There are also some things that I still want. Those may or may not come, but whatever the case, I have to be happy with the way things are.

I'm happy that I have met someone who is one of my "best" friends and has opened my eyes to so much more. He is truly a blessing in my life.

I often wonder what my life will be like 1 year, 3 years even 5 years from now. I have had plenty of people tell me that they had decided that their life would be one way. Next thing they know, things have totally changed and it has been a true blessing. It cam unexpectedly.

So now I think I need to wait for the unexpected. The good and the bad. It is what is meant for me. The unexpected so far has been wonderful. Why would I think that God would give me anything else?

Faith is what keeps me going. I know He has great plans for me. This is actually the beginning of something so great that I won't be able to carry it all. I love it. I truly do.

I know there are going to be bad times, but I have to learn to let my faith guide me through. I need to stop letting "the devil" come in and steal my joy.... LOL

I say it all the time but I need to BELIEVE it.  I do now. I really do now. My life is good. Good friends, a good job, a wonderful family.... everything that a woman could wish for.  I love it!

it isn't fair

Life can deal you some fuck up shit sometimes. Life just isn't fair. They say that life deals the same way for people who are nice and those who are evil. But I think people who are evil get all of the best shots.  It seems that people who do all the wrong things they get what they want. They get the best things in life.

I wonder all of the time why I don't get the things i like or want.

I just don't think life is fair. I hate life right now. I hate my life right now. I don't want to live my life right now. Right now, nothing is going the way I want it. I hate my life right now.

I like

I like when I can stare into his eyes and he stares into mine and no words are exchanged. We just look at each other.

I like when we just sit close, face to face, and listen to each other breathe

I like caressing his face. Following every line, every wrinkle in his smile

I like to see him smile. It makes my day brighter.

I like when he touches me. It makes me feel as if nothing in the world could come in between that.

I like when he vents to me. It lets me know that he trusts me and wants me to hear what he is feeling.

I like to hear him call me "Nae". Many do, but when he says it, it has a different feeling...

I just LOVE being around him. His laugh, his walk, his talk.... It makes my soul happy. I haven't felt like this before. I love every minute of it!

I pray that it never ends!!!

Happiness

What is happiness? Can you truly define it a set of words. Or is it just a feeling you have? What do you do when your happy? Do you cry? Do you smile all day so people will ask what is going on with you? Or do you just smile inside and think about the things that made you happy.

I have learned not to let others define my happiness. I can't wait for others to make me happy. I have to create it sometimes. Which means I have to do some self discovery. Find out what makes me happy. I know I'm happy when I bowl. It is sooooo much fun to me. I love playing my Wii lately. Especially with my Wii partner (wink). He makes it hillarious.

I love when I talk to my BFF everyday. We laugh, joke, discuss, philosophize about all sorts of shit. And it makes me feel good.

People have all different levels of happiness. I am trying to discover what it means to be content. Once I do this, I can learn to be happy. Happy with the way my body looks and feels, happy with the way others see me, happy with being a single woman: just happy!

I think once I learn to be content with the way things are, things will fall into place. I am taking baby steps though. This is not going to happen overnight.