Day one

When you decide that your life is not where you would like it to be and determine to take the viewpoint that you must live and be content in the now, you have to take it day by day. Day one is today and I have to start with today.

Today, I am determined to stop looking at the past.
Today I am determined not to look at what others have and look at the blessings that are in front of me...
Today I am determined not to be sad or angry, but be joyful

I have to start with just three... Putting too many "determines" on my plate would probably be overwhelming. I am looking forward to what today brings.

Can't sleep

Its almost midnight and i should be asleep but i can't seem to go to bed. I have so many things running around in my head right now.... its preventing me from getting a good night's rest.

i can't really pinpoint it, but i'm not happy with where I am right now. My job is not the best place right now and maybe that may have something to do with it, but its not the total reason I am not happy..

I really need to find my "niche".... find what makes me happy. I don't know what that is now. I need to find a place of contentment. Be happy where I am in my life. I think I am beating myself up because my life is not where I think it should be.

I need to just be happy where I am, be happy for others and be content. This is so hard. I've been down this road before and I just don't want to keep coming back to this spot.

Coming of age

Yesterday I went to a 30th birthday party. I was very happy for my friends because turning 30 is a huge milestone. For some, 30 means you are "really" a grown up. I remember when I turned 30. I didn't do a big party, but I had a good time. Back then, I felt like 30 was my time to start over; get past mistakes that I had made in my 20s and move forward. It was my time to renew. I had all these plans of things I wanted in my 30s.

Now I am 7 months away from turning 35! Another milestone.... and now another time to reflect. Part of me is very excited to turn 35. Another part of my wants everything to slow down. I feel like time is just going and going and I can't keep up. I sometimes feel like my life is passing me by!

There are so many things I want to do or have that I have come to realize that may not be in the cards for me. But will I be ok with that? I have to be.... I have to learn to be content with what life deals me. Right now that is hard. I am such a go getter. In the past, when situations weren't going my way, I created situations to make things turn in my favor. In some instances, this was not the best choice.

I try not to cry about it, but sometimes the fear of not knowing what life has in store hits me. I have a lot of fears, but I try not to think about them. So I just keep smiling, telling everyone "I'm good" and look forward to my 35th birthday. Hopefully when I reflect this time, I can stop trying to set goals and just enjoy the fact that I am alive and blessed. Only God knows what is in store. Not knowing is painful, but I have to have faith that He is preparing me for something that is "the best thing I've ever had"..... I'm looking forward to that day!

Don't take it personal

I think I am too sensitive. Let me first be clear. I could give two shits about people that I know don't give a damn about me. When people like that try to do things to destroy me, I go into attack mode. The wall goes up and I treat them like the piece of shit they are.

But the people that I care about are a little different. I know the things that they do are not intentional. Nonetheless, I take their words and actions to heart. I won't show it, but inside I feel like I am falling apart. I get by myself and I may cry, just want to be alone and just sit and think. I take that little time for me to get myself together.

Again, the people I care about are not hurting me, I'm just sensitive. It is hard being sensitive. I don't like it sometimes. Sometimes I do. It can beneficial when I can help someone that feels that things aren't going their way. But there are other times when being sensitive is not fun. I need to find a way to stay out of these times and not let the little things get to me. I'm going to get there!

When are we going to take responsiblity?

I am a proud product of the Detroit Public School System. I graduated from one of the top schools in the city and I tell anyone who asks me that I truly believe in public education. My mother was a public school teacher and I believe in what public schools bring to a community.

In recent years there have been many problems in DPS as well as other urban school systems. In Detroit, there has been serious mismanagement, graduation rates are at a low (compared to other systems in the area) and people are taking their children out of the schools.

The first people that get the blame are the teachers. I've heard the stories every system I've been in except for one: they don't teach, they can't control the classes, they don't like my child, etc, etc, etc.

But there is one group that city officials, government, media and the swoon of others that have yet to bear a large of part of the responsibility of how kids do in school: the parent/guardian!
When did we suddenly say that parents/guardians, no matter what the situation is, have no responsibility on how their child functions in school?

This is a major problem for me as a teacher. I cannot control what goes on outside of my class, but yet and still I have become responsible for how the effects of that outside environment delegate into my classroom. Education has become a disrespected entity in our society and this is a major reason why our schools, whether urban or suburban, are failing in some way.

We have to change the shift in our thinking about education. Look at what we are bringing in as well as what we are putting out. Remove ourselves from thinking that a letter grade lets me know the intelligence of a student. What does an "A" really mean? Can that student apply the knowledge outside of a multiple choice test?

Its very frustrating as a teacher sometimes, and I know that I am not the only one who feels this way. I have had numerous conversations with people about this and I get all types of feedback. Maybe one day we will change the thinking but it is going to take a lot of effort that cannot be found in a classroom.

Counting my blessings!

2008 was a very turbulent year for me. I got into a car accident that totalled the car that I really loved and I found myself out of a job. For the first time in a long time, I didn't know what to do. I felt like my whole world was falling. Yes I had made some bad choices for these events to occur, but it was nothing that was done maliciously. I felt like people around me, that were suppose to be my "friends", were turning their backs on me. I had a small group of people in my corner. I was alone and ashamed. Who wants to tell people they lost their job?

But I turned to the one person that I knew was on my side God! My faith that everything was going to turn out OK was at its strongest. Things definitely looked bleak, but at that moment, I decided that the events that were happening were meant to benefit me, not hurt me. There were many nights that I cried, stayed in the bed (or on the couch) and did absolutely nothing but watch TV. Then I looked at my child and I saw what I was doing was effecting him. I had to get off my ass.

As I look back at everything that happened, I new God's voice telling me that He had a plan for me was real. I did get another job & it paid higher than the job I lost. I got a new car and economically it was better because I got into the accident just as gas prices to rise out of the butt! When all of this happened, I thought I wasn't going to be able to move into my new home. I did move into that home and ended up getting a better deal in the end. I am now in a leadership position in my new job which would have been much tougher to get in my old job.

I look back and all I can say is "Thank you". There are definitely days when I think "why do these things happen to me". But all I have to do is look back and thank Him because He has blessed me with so much. Not just with the physical and a great BFF, but with a stronger faith that there is nothing that man can do that can destroy me. Thank you Jesus!

Why hold back?

I had a friend tell me once that I should just say what I feel and not worry about the consequences. He had a little bit more courage than I do. Because of his courage we are the greatest friends to date. But I don't think I would have had the same courage.

I always hesitate to tell somebody what I really think. Especially when you are talking about feelings. Feelings are a part of the soul, and if those feelings are not acknowledged or reciprocated then it can cause scars. And I guess I still have some of those scars.

But holding back is not helping either. There is always that area of "what if" and you never know unless you actually say what you want to say. I do believe saying what I want to say will not cause a bunch of mess, but there is still that fear.

I will one tell this person what I want to say. It is definitely not anything bad! No matter what their reaction is I need to tell this person what I am feeling. Holding back is doing nothing for me. Or the other person. They just keep wondering because everyday they ask "what's on your mind" and I say "nothing"!!!! LOL They just don't know there is so much running through my brain that I just am not ready to admit yet.

I will eventually tell, in due time! Hopefully when I do I won't get a strange look, but maybe a great conversation! And I can finally get past some of the fears I have of telling people how I really feel about them. Ugh... Life is hard sometimes! But fun!!!!

Can't wait

I think when I see him I am going to give him the biggest hug. I am going to hold him until he tells me to stop. I hope he won't.

I didn't realize how much I missed him until I went on this trip. It isn't the sexual moments that I miss (although those are nice). I miss the personal time. I miss him coming by and greetings at the door. I miss talking to him on the phone every morning. He doesn't realize that gets me going in the morning. I miss holding his face in my hands and just hearing him breathe. I actually miss going to work out with him at the part. That's like our time and I enjoy it.

I enjoy when he lays his head on my chest or lap and falls asleep. Its my time to take care of him. I like when we just sit and watch tv. That's the great part about our relationship. We don't have to do anything. Just being near and around each sometimes is enough. If we get bored, we can think of something to do and be ok. If not, being at home is quite alright.

He has been such an important addition to my life, a few days away from it makes me sad. But I am heading home today. I won't see him for a couple of days, but I will know that he is near. That makes my heart skip a beat.... He's really by BFF!!!