Treading Water

I like my blog. It lets me get things off of my chest when I really don't have the opportunity to do in the public eye. Sometimes I write things on the blog instead of tell my friends because I don't want to seem like I am always "blue".

Times are really hard out here. I feel like I am just staying afloat. I used to think that being an adult was the best thing in the world. When I was younger I couldn't wait to be grown. I thought I could do what I wanted to do it when I wanted to do it. I thought life would get easier. Little did I know...

If I could go back, I would definitely change some things. Some people that I have allowed in my life, I would never allow them in. There are others that I let go that I would do a better job of keeping them there. I would invest more. I would play a little more. I would do a lot of things differently, but there are some things that I would keep the same.

But as I live in today and get ready for tomorrow, I am just treading water. I found the thing that makes me happy, but reality of life sometimes gets in the way. Life's needs sometimes supersede life's wants. Things have to be trimmed. Can't go on many vacations. Christmas won't be as lavish. Some things like eating out, going to movies, getting the latest outfit have to be sacrificed to make sure the needs have been taken care of.

I have been in worst situations. God has always stayed there and gotten me through. That doesn't mean that during those trials I didn't start to doubt. But like my friend told me "you're a fighter". I am. So I continue to fight through this trial. It won't always be this way. I am very blessed to have a job, health and people in my life that I love and care for.

So know that I won't be "blue" forever. It only lasts a short period "Thank God". But I appreciate my "true friends" that already know this, give me a kiss on the forehead or a big hug, and let me know that they are there just for listening. I love and appreciate that so much. That is the best way to get through a trial in my opinion.

I know what makes me happy

My friend told me that I had to find the thing that makes me happy.... I have struggled to figure it out and have cried over it. I have sat in my home and wondered what in the hell am I doing. For awhile I have been so unhappy. I just couldn't understand.

SO.... I sat back, turned off the tv, turned off the phone and figured out when I was my happiest. Then it came it to me.....

I love sports. I will sit and watch a game in a heartbeat. When I have discussions about sports I think I am at my most passionate state. I love it when men know that I know what I'm talking about. Dealing with sports has gotten me through some rough times.

I started to wonder if I go through my "rough spots" when I don't have sports in my life. Ummm.... yeah I do. I love sports so much. My original goal in life was to be a pediatrician. Then I decided to go into broadcast journalism. I left both of the dreams in the past because of the fear of not being successful. Thinking that it wasn't what I was destined to do. I can't do that anymore. I need to do what makes me happy because nobody (best friend, love of your life, dog, cat, etc.) can make me happy but me. I'm tired of crying. I need to step out and do it!

So I'm going to launch my own sports website that discusses my favorite topics in sports. It will be an area to blog, give opinions about sports topics and talk trash about your favorite team.

This is my happy place. This is where I feel comfortable and I am doing something that I love. Many people don't get it. Its ok. I love it.

For awhile now I have been relying on others to help me find my happiness and help me get to that happy place. I can't do that any longer. It's up to me to make this happen. I'm going to see it through....

Finding my happy place

A very good friend told me that I need to find out what makes me happy. That's not as easy as it sounds. My mother tells me all the time that I need to relax and enjoy life. Right now I don't think I can because I have so much to do. I have a lot on my plate. Its just me. And I don't have people lining up to help.

I am blessed with what I have, but right now I feel very overwhelmed. I feel like running away sometimes and just not looking back. Even if its just for a day. Just not being me and living another life so I won't have to deal with all the stuff that I deal with. I keep a lot to myself because some things others just wouldn't be able to help me with. But I think I keep a lot to myself because of pride.

So now I'm on a mission to find my "happy place". That place that no matter what is going on around me, I can go there and feel nothing but joy. But I really don't know where to begin to look. That has been the hardest thing.....

Making changes

Its hard to change things that have been ingrained in you for years. I have recently talked about getting over fears and trying to live life to the fullest. I have definitely made some progress but I still have a ways to go.

I still have those "lazy" days when I don't feel like doing anything. I think a lot of that has to do with what I eat. I don't have the best diet which tends to drag me down a little. But at the same time, I don't get into much activity either. I recently tried yoga. Hot yoga at that. It wasn't bad. The heat wasn't my issue. It was how out of shape I was.

The instructor asked me if I had ever danced. I said yes but it was such a long time ago. She said that through my movement she could see where I had training. I felt good. I used to love to dance. Ballet, tap all of that. I would even dance around the house. Sometimes I still do when no one is looking.

I'm trying to find the things that I love doing and do them. I went to see "Harry Potter" by myself! That is so unlike me for anyone who knows me. But I went alone. I didn't have to, but I did.

I like the new me that is coming out. I still have a lot of work to do, but there are definite positive changes. But I will always remain the bubbly girl who will laugh at just about anything. I don't want that to change at all.....

Is this what it is?

Life is full of risks. People who don't take risks stay in a shell and it becomes hard to break out of that shell. I've been in a shell for a long time. I have been afraid to take risks. But that fear is slowly subsiding. I still have not found the courage to say things to people's face. But I love to write it down. So if I could say this to your face I would say this ( I promise there is no editing):

I don't think you can control your heart. It's not a machine that you can turn on and off. I know this. I won't say that I have never had feelings for a man. I won't say that I have never had a deep caring for a man before. But I know what I feel for you is different. Its scary as hell because i know I'm not suppose to feel this way and I know because of circumstance I can't. But I know this.....

When you feel sad, part of me wants to come and comfort you

I feel happiest when I can help bring a smile to your face

I feel like I could tell you anything, and I have already opened up to you more than anyone

When we are together, just sitting and talking makes my day

I feel safe when you hold me

I hope you feel safe when I hold your head in my lap

The time we spend talking and laughing is precious to me and I enjoy every minute of it

When your not around I pray that everything is ok

I know that you pray for me as well

I believe the things you say to me

I enjoy all of our intimate moments :-)

You make me smile

I have wondered what this feeling is and I know it is love. I do love you. This has been hard for me to say. But I do feel this way. I'm risking a lot by saying this, but I feel like I needed to tell you how I felt. I would be more devastated if I never had the chance. No actions needed. I just wanted you to know.

So if I had the opportunity, I would say this. But once again I am a chicken. So I write it down and imagine in my fantasies that I am saying this. But I wake from my fantasy before I see your reaction. Again, fear has taken over.....

Lions, Tigers and Bears.....

Just cause I love you and you love me,
It doesn't mean that we'll ever be.
Fly cross the ocean, sing for the queen
But the most frightening thing is you and me.

I'm not scared of lions and tigers and bears (no I'm not)
But I'm scared of (loving you)
I'm not scared to perform at a sold out affair (that's right)
But I'm scared of (loving you)
Am I the only one who thinks it's an impossible task
Why it don't last? Is that too much to ask?
Why do we love Love,
When Love seems to hate us?

I love this song...

Secrets

People have had secrets for years. Little kids have secrets because they don't want to get in trouble. Adults have secrets because they don't want to get in trouble too. Or they just like to know other people's secrets because they like to be in everyone's business.

I think I have been a secretive person for years. My family used to get on me a lot about being so secretive. I didn't and still don't think it is a bad thing. I think I am secretive to guard myself. Especially my feelings and my heart. It takes a long time for someone to penetrate those areas because of past experiences. But I tend over time to let some in. Some that I have let in have truly disappointed me so I've had to block them back out. Others have been wonderful. My circle is small and even within that circle there are maybe 1 or 2 people who know everything about me.

I still hold some secrets. None of them are bad or would hurt anyone. But I still hold it because of fear or reactions. You don't want anyone to think that you are a nut or your over exaggerating. I've been holding something back that I want to tell, but every time I get ready I lose the nerve. I want to tell it so bad. But I still lock up when it forms on my lips.

There is going to come a time when all this fear goes to the side and I won't care about reactions. I have learned through recent events that you should tell people what matters to you while they are here. It won't matter once they are gone. That day is slowly coming because more and more I am finding the courage to say the things that matter to me.

Revealing more about me to people that I "trust" has been good. Holding all this stuff inside can be a burden. But it takes time to open up.

Do we have the right to judge

Recently there have been many unexpected deaths among celebrities as well as every day citizens. I talked about this in my last post. But with these deaths have come some controversy. It has just been confirmed that Steve McNair's death has been ruled a homicide-suicide. This situation is tragic for everyone involved. It is tragic for Steve McNair's family because they had little to no knowledge of the situation and for the young woman's family. She was obviously distraught to take these type of actions.

What bothers me the most about what has transpired is everyone who is quick to make judgments about both of these individuals. I've heard that he was a "dog" and he got everything that he deserved. I've heard that she was "crazy and confused" to think that he would leave his wife for her. People from facebook to twitter have given their two cents about this situation; mainly to say that this is something that they would "never" do. Mainly to say that they are above this type of behavior and anyone who does participate in this type of behavior is "evil". These statements have really bothered me.

These statements have bothered me because I have learned through life experience to "never" say "never". Especially when you discuss matters of the heart. I once had a friend tell me that you can control who you fall in love with. I argued her up and down, but she didn't change her mind. I stopped trying.

I am not free from sin. I have done my share of things that may be wrong to others. But with this I have learned that I am not living for other people. I can't sit and judge Steve McNair for his decisions that he made. All I can do is pray for his family that they find the strength to recover from this tragedy. The same for the young woman's family. I feel this way for anyone who feels like their life is not worth living anymore.

We have to be careful when we stand and begin to pass judgment on people. As humans, sometimes we tend to believe that being in Christ gives us the right to judge others and their actions as if what we do is Christlike all the time. I guarantee that this is not the case.

I stand quiet when I hear these comments about McNair and his credibility as a father being questioned because I don't want to argue with people. I know that the minute I begin to speak and give my opinion people will begin to pass judgment on me. But I am grown enough to also understand that others judgments are not what count in the end. In the famous words of my buddy "fuck 'em". If you hear me passing judgment on someone please call me on it. This is not the way I want to live my life.

What is meant for you, is meant for you

I've been on this earth for 34 years. Prayerfully I will be on this earth many more. But one thing I don't want to continue to do is compare my life with someone else. I have a bad habit on looking at other people's situations and thinking that I have done something wrong so I'm being punished.

I've actually had someone tell me that I wasn't married because there was something wrong with me. I looked @ him like he was a damn fool! But at the same time I began to question myself. I began to wonder why it was easy for some people to find the person that they were meant to fall in love with. I began to question why some people who I KNEW were evil as hell and had done some real low down stuff were able to find their mate. Where was my mate?

I have always been a strong woman. I've been able to handle situations that many people probably couldn't. Death, poverty, hunger... you name it, I've done it! In the end I have grown and become stronger.

But there is always that part of me that wonders if the "family life" is meant for me. I'm I meant to be a wife, a mother to other children, a grandmother (in the future)? Or am I meant to be single for the rest of my life? I will admit I do get discouraged. I see others and I do become very jealous. That is human nature.

But then I remember my faith. I know that God is not done with me. God wants me to enjoy ME. God wants me to enjoy MY STRENGTHS and live everyday in His glory. That has been a true struggle for me.

Despite everything that seems to be going wrong in others eyes, there are some things that are going right. I have to truly believe that God has a plan. My faith must endure and know that what is meant for me is meant for me. Because I cannot see it now does not mean that it is not there. And my biggest obstacles is believing!

It is a slow journey for me but I am getting there. I truly believe that there is a plan for all of us. We are dealt circumstances to prepare us for what God has in store. I need to look at these situations that I find myself in as preparation.

Putting things into perspective

It seems like the past week or so has been filled with nothing but tragedy. Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Michale Jackson and now Steve McNair! Granted none of these people I knew personally, but it still comes as a shock that all of these individuals were taken away around the same time.

It makes me really think about my life and what I have done in the first 34 years. Have I really lived? Have I done things that truly make me happy? The answer will have to be not totally.

I had a conversation with my really good buddy and he was telling me that I have to do the things that make me happy. Start living because life is just too short. I've allowed certain things to get in the way of fulfilling happiness (money, time, work, etc.) I can't allow that to happy anymore.

I am truly making the commitment to live by my faith in God and LIVE! I'm going to start doing things that I really want to do. In other words, I'm going to start making time for me. If I want to just sit in at night and watch movies I'm going to do that. If I want to go bowling I'm going to do that. I want people to remember me as someone who loved to do what she wanted to do and had a great time doing it.

So consider this a point that "Nae is making some changes". Some things and/or people have to go. Everybody can't stay in your life forever. But I do know that life is really short and time stops for no man. I'm going to live, live, live!! Thanks Jibba. Your words inspired this thought process!

Letting go

Today, I did something that I would never do, something that has one of the hardest things to do in my adult life.................

I ACTIVATED MY SON'S CELL PHONE!!!! UGH

First let me say that I didn't buy the phone myself, nor did anyone else purchase the phone for him. I made it very clear to everyone that suggested the idea that I thought he was not ready for the phone. He got the phone because he earned it on his own.

During his summer program, he had to earn points by doing WORK! Something that is somewhat lost with this generation. The top prize was the Go phone and he had to do a lot to get that phone. So when he called me to tell me that he earned the phone I had two very different reactions.

One part of me was excited because he set a goal and he accomplished it. He worked very hard and this has not been his character in recent situations. I thought he was somewhat maturing. The other part of me went into fear. Is he old enough for a phone? Will he be responsible? Who does he need to call? I'm the only woman (besides my mother) in his life!

All these thoughts started rushing into my mind. I started to realize that in 8 years my son will be going to college and it will just be me again. Eight years go by fast. Shoot, he'll be 10 next month!

I realized that I have to let go just a little to allow him to grow. Its even harder when he doesn't have a man in his life. I guess that's why I have been so protective. I don't want him to get hurt. But I had to listen to a good friend that told me that sometimes he will have to go through things that I can't protect him from. I need to let go a little. So I have. Just a little. As time goes on he will have to step up and I think he can handle it.

He's not mowing the lawn yet, but I love and trust him to make the right decisions. We shall see!!!