Is this what it is?

Life is full of risks. People who don't take risks stay in a shell and it becomes hard to break out of that shell. I've been in a shell for a long time. I have been afraid to take risks. But that fear is slowly subsiding. I still have not found the courage to say things to people's face. But I love to write it down. So if I could say this to your face I would say this ( I promise there is no editing):

I don't think you can control your heart. It's not a machine that you can turn on and off. I know this. I won't say that I have never had feelings for a man. I won't say that I have never had a deep caring for a man before. But I know what I feel for you is different. Its scary as hell because i know I'm not suppose to feel this way and I know because of circumstance I can't. But I know this.....

When you feel sad, part of me wants to come and comfort you

I feel happiest when I can help bring a smile to your face

I feel like I could tell you anything, and I have already opened up to you more than anyone

When we are together, just sitting and talking makes my day

I feel safe when you hold me

I hope you feel safe when I hold your head in my lap

The time we spend talking and laughing is precious to me and I enjoy every minute of it

When your not around I pray that everything is ok

I know that you pray for me as well

I believe the things you say to me

I enjoy all of our intimate moments :-)

You make me smile

I have wondered what this feeling is and I know it is love. I do love you. This has been hard for me to say. But I do feel this way. I'm risking a lot by saying this, but I feel like I needed to tell you how I felt. I would be more devastated if I never had the chance. No actions needed. I just wanted you to know.

So if I had the opportunity, I would say this. But once again I am a chicken. So I write it down and imagine in my fantasies that I am saying this. But I wake from my fantasy before I see your reaction. Again, fear has taken over.....