Secrets

People have had secrets for years. Little kids have secrets because they don't want to get in trouble. Adults have secrets because they don't want to get in trouble too. Or they just like to know other people's secrets because they like to be in everyone's business.

I think I have been a secretive person for years. My family used to get on me a lot about being so secretive. I didn't and still don't think it is a bad thing. I think I am secretive to guard myself. Especially my feelings and my heart. It takes a long time for someone to penetrate those areas because of past experiences. But I tend over time to let some in. Some that I have let in have truly disappointed me so I've had to block them back out. Others have been wonderful. My circle is small and even within that circle there are maybe 1 or 2 people who know everything about me.

I still hold some secrets. None of them are bad or would hurt anyone. But I still hold it because of fear or reactions. You don't want anyone to think that you are a nut or your over exaggerating. I've been holding something back that I want to tell, but every time I get ready I lose the nerve. I want to tell it so bad. But I still lock up when it forms on my lips.

There is going to come a time when all this fear goes to the side and I won't care about reactions. I have learned through recent events that you should tell people what matters to you while they are here. It won't matter once they are gone. That day is slowly coming because more and more I am finding the courage to say the things that matter to me.

Revealing more about me to people that I "trust" has been good. Holding all this stuff inside can be a burden. But it takes time to open up.