When it is what it is....

Ha! That is a phrase I say a lot... "it is what it is". I don't know why. Because I truly believe that you live life once and it is always not what it seems.

I have points in my life that I want to SCREAM about right now. Things aren't going right and I am holding on for dear life. I am staying still during this test and relying on faith to guide me through. As I tell my friends, "I know I am being prepared for something great"!!!

But my life is not all bad by no means. I have something that is so great in my life that I want to SHOUT about. But I can't. It is what it is and it is not the time to let the world know. It may never be. But rest assured that this part of my life is so great. I am very happy and somewhat fulfilled. I don't want anything else in that part of my life because I am satisfied at this moment.

Maybe one day I will get to shout and let the world know how great that part of my life is. But for now, it is what it is.

Jealousy

Lately I have been a little jealous.... I'm usually not that type of person. But lately I have noticed I have been. Whenever I "see" it, I feel my face turn up. Whenever I "hear" it, I smack my lips and act like I don't care. Internally I really, really do.

I don't want to be. But I can't help it. I need to get rid of this feeling because it is not beneficial. It makes the "ugly" in me come out. Essentially, I have no right to be jealous.

I have to heed the words "what is for you, is for you"...... That is my motto right now. I am going to work on not being jealous. But it is a hard thing right now......

Didn't know my own strength

I haven't bought the new Whitney album, but the title of the this song stands out for me... Anyone who knows me, they know that I have been through some things. Some people may think that it isn't that bad. I have never been in jail (thank God), I have never had deal with drugs, or abuse.

But I have had to deal with several bad relationships. I have dealt with the death of a child. I have dealt with being so broke I didn't know if I would make it out.... But I am still standing and I am here.

Someone once told me that the thing they like about me the most is how I keep going and trusting even through all that I have been through. Especially with men. And it is true. I've been lied to, cheated on, left for the next best thing... All of the above.

But I still have faith that the man that God has for me is out there. I still have faith that I will have more children. I still have faith that through all the ugliness there is beauty.

Don't get me wrong, there are days when I get down and think "why in the hell is this happening to me".... Then I look back and realize the strenght that I have. I remember that I got through the death of my daughter. I have gotten through EVERY bad break up or misdeed that was done to me. And quiet as kept, someone else was waiting not too long after those things happened :-)...

As I merge toward turning 35 in January I realize the life is a process. My best friend tells me all the time that I must enjoy life because it goes fast. He is so correct! So for the past year or so I have just been enjoying life and what comes with it. Times have been hard, but they could be so much harder!!!

You never really know your own strength until you have to use it.... I'm glad God is allowing me to use mine.