When to say when

Today I am saying "when"...

I care so much for Mark. But while he is still trying to decide what he wants to do and how he wants to handle this, I can't be second anymore. It hurts too much.  I am at work crying because all I want to do is get in the bed and go to sleep.  I find myself in this situation over and over again and each time it hurts even more.  Why do all these men take me for granted like I am not worth anything????

I am such a good person and when I love, I love hard.  But no one seems to appreciate what I have to give. I'm tired of giving.  I don't want deal with relationships anymore because its too hard and men don't seem to appreciate what I have to give.  REST ASSURED I AM NOT TRYING TO PLAY FOR THE OTHER TEAM!!

But right now, I'm worn out with trying.... I need somebody else to put in some effort....

Tumbling Down

I'm sitting here at 12:45 a.m. crying my eyes out because it feels as if everything that I thought was going well, has just caused me to tumble about 20 feet to the floor.  I had a wonderful weekend.  I spent time with someone that I was truly beginning to care for and I thought was beginning to care for me.

Today, that all changed.  I wonder why I'm always the one who gets left in the dust?  This is one of the reasons why I just don't want to date anymore.  The heartache is just too much for me. I'd rather just be alone then have to deal with one failed relationship after another.  

I put on the strong face and smile and make people think that everything is ok.  But deep down inside I am hurting.  I don't trust anyone: male or female.  I think men just want to use me and woman just want to hate.  In the end, I'm always the one to get hurt.

I keep asking God, why do I have to be the one that is always tested. Why do I have to be the one that always has to endure the pain of heartache.  When is someone going to feel pain over me?  

This is really getting to be too much for me. I just don't want to deal with it anymore.....

A continuation of "time"

The issue of time has been on my mind for awhile now.  Earlier I thought about what it meant by saying it was "bad timing". Now I'm thinking about how relationships go through "time".

When I was younger I looked at my parents and thought this was the way that relationships were suppose to be built. My parents meant in college when my mother was a freshman.  They got married the summer that she graduated and have been married for the past 37 years come this August. I've always thought that this was the way relationships are suppose to be built.  You meet, you date, you fall in love then you get married. But what if this is not the way that God intends all relationships to be built?  Just because things are not in that order does that mean that there is no love there?

I have people tell me a lot that "you must be patient and wait". I used to think "wait for what? He's already taken and he's not going to leave her for me".  But what if this was not the man that was suppose to leave?  What if that wasn't the man I was suppose to go through one of the toughest battles with to see what kind of love could be?

Time is such a strong word. It can mean so much. As I get ready to turn 34 I have taken a closer meaning to the word.  When I was young I thought by the time I was 34 I would have been married with 3 kids, house and living the American dream. Of course it hasn't turned out quite like I thought it would, but it isn't bad either.  But as I look at my situation with "Mark" I'm more inclined to let "time" move as it wants to move.  This time that we are spending together we are growing into very good friends and the caring and attraction that we have for each other grows stronger.  I wake up and think about him and he does the same. It's so cute. We tell each other goodnight and good morning everyday!!! I think we are going through our situation to grow into a love that couldn't be done if we had met any other way.

I agree with him when he tells me we were suppose to meet.  There is no mistaking that.  Now it is a matter of trusting God to order our actions and steps.  I'm trusting God in this relationship he is building.  Others may think I am crazy and they tell me I should just leave him alone til he leaves his "friend".  But this is our time to "grow". This is our time to figure out what it is about each other that we seem to care for and love so much.  I love being around him, talking to him and being his friend. Isn't that how love is suppose to begin anyway????

Til the next post.....

Bad timing or just not your time

The last three men that I have met and we seem to have hit it off great. But for some reason (girlfriend, not ready, etc) the relationship does not grow.  The phrase that I come up with is"bad timing".  The last guy I met told me that these were the wrong words to associate with our situation.  I asked him what he meant. He told me that the word "bad" meant that it wasn't meant to be.  He believes that we were suppose to meet and he was happy that he met me.  At the time I didn't want to hear it and I didn't want to try to understand what that meant.

I have had time to think about it now.  Is it really "bad time" or "just not my time"?  As I've gotten older I have learned to become more patient especially when it comes to relationships.  I have a very bad habit of making rash decisions especially if I think that things are not going my way.  If I am looking at a situation and I think that things are not going the way I think they should, I'm quick to make a decision and it is usually rushed.

Being in this situation with "Mark" is truly teaching me patience. We are still not together, but deep down I know we want to be.  Two years ago I would have told him leave me alone and moved on because the situation is not where I want it to be. But who is to stay that the way I want it to be is the way it is suppose to be?

When I think about this, I think about the movie "The Matrix". I remember the scene when Neo goes to see the Oracle and she tells him that he is not the one.  When he looks into Morpheus's eyes he believes that everything that Morpheus believes is not true.  Finally when he has to save Morpheus he goes through all the challenges in order to find out and believe that he was "the one" all the time. Morpheus tells him in the end that going through the path is better than knowing the path.

Sometimes I feel that this is what I'm doing right now. And the path has been rough. To others it may seem crazy, but I truly believe in my heart and soul that "Mark" is the man that God has put me on this earth to be with. When I'm around him it is not like any feeling that I have ever felt for anyone.  But the hardest thing for me is not putting my hands in the situation to try to manipulate things the way I think they should be at that time.

I don't believe in "bad timing" anymore. I believe that it is "not our time" yet. But our time is coming. The time I continue to go through this situation my caring for this man grows.  God allows things to happen for the greater good to Him.  He wanted me to meet this man and to grow to care about this man.  He wanted this man to meet me and to admit to himself that he cares about me a lot too.  At this time God knows where he wants this to end up.

I don't know what the future holds.  I'm not a fortune teller either. But I know that sometimes your gut feeling is the right feeling.  I know that it is not my time.  However my time is coming soon.  When my time does come, it is going to be like something I have never felt before.

Til the next post!

Something so new

Although 2009 hasn't started off with the glitter that I wanted it to, it has no less been exciting.  I met a really nice guy, but things didn't work out because of a relationship that he was in. Imagine what I was thinking when I found out that the woman, and I mean "woman", he was seeing was older.  When I say older I mean at least early 40's.  I'm only 33 (soon to be 34). All I could say was "wow". When middle age men start dating older woman over me, I am exposed to a whole new world, LOL....

I have talked over the last few days to a few friends about my situation just to try to gain understanding as to why we go through things, especially when it deals with the heart.  Some friends have told me that it just wasn't my time. I've heard that story over and over.  When do you know when it's "your time"? When do you know that the person you are seeing is "the one" you are meant to be with? Do you ever know?

My married friends say "enjoy being single". I tell them it's not about being single for me.  It's about being in an adult relationship where two people love and care for each other and want to grow. Maybe I watch too many movies so I have this warped vision of what I think a relationship should be. I am watching one of my favorite movies "An Officer and A Gentleman".  My favorite parts is at the end when Richard Gere takes Debra Winger off her job and they go off together to live their lives.  That scene is so powerful.  He loved her so much as was willing to take her away from all of her troubles and love her the best way he knew how.  That's the kind of love I'm looking for.  Some people say that kind of love doesn't exist.  But why shouldn't I want that?  I think every person deserves to be loved and want to love another person.  I just end up with people who want to take the love I give and show it to someone else!!! LOL

Right after this happened, I told many of my friends (male and female) that I had given up on love.  I was threw trying to make relationships work because it was too hard. I was tired of being heartbroken.  But a day of crying, I just can't do that. I KNOW God has someone for me out there.  I have gone through many rough romantic experiences for a reason. I don't know what that is yet, but it has a purpose.  Once I figure it out, everything will fall into place.

Until this day happens, I will continue to take care of my family, work hard and take care of the job at hand.  One day everything will be revealed. I think that will be one of the happiest days of my life.

A new beginning

Today I woke up in positive mood.  It is now 2009. The beginning I had been waiting for over the last few months.  Now what am I going to do with it?

As I think about moving forward, I think about a question someone asked me.  Can you put "taking risks" and "walking by faith" in the same category?  I don't think you can.  Risk taking means you don't know if the outcome will benefit or hurt you but you are willing to try and see where things go.  Walking by faith tells me I know that everything is going to turn out alright. Whatever happens, I knowing I'm going to reap the benefits of it.  I'm deciding this year I am walking by faith.

Mark and I still keep in contact.  It would be easy to say, "let it go and move on". But my soul is telling me not to.  To others, this continued friendship is risky because there is no guarantee that I will get the results that I want.  I have already handed this over to God and asked him to guide my actions and words. I am faithful in knowing that at this moment, he is ordering my steps and guiding the words that I speak. He is not putting me in any situation that he knows I can't handle.

In the year 2009, I am going to trust God more in the decisions that I make. I have to stop relying on what I see and don't see. God has worked out miracles for me that I could have never imagined before. What would make me think now that he is not continuing to watch over me? 

In 2009 I am going to stop listening to my "friends" all the time and seeking their advice for every move I make. I know some of them mean well, but sometimes the words that they speak are not the ones I'm suppose to hear.  I'm not going to seek out the advice so that I can hear what I want to hear. I'm going to just "walk by faith".

Andrea