When the dreams are not what are meant to be.....

What happens when you have the lost the will? What happens when the enthusiasm you had for something just isn't there anymore? What do you do when the thing you wanted the most, you no longer have the desire for anymore? What do you do? Where do you go?

I think I, like several people I know, are at that crossroad in my life. Life is just getting too complicated. It just seems as if you take 5 steps forward and 7 back. There doesn't seem to be any relief.

I have been going through a lot of things over the past month and I have really been keeping it to myself. I don't think anyone would understand the struggles that I have been going through or would really seem to care. As I look at some people, it just seems that everything is grand. I just wonder why God allows for things to continue to happen and I have to be this "strong" person. Why must I always be the strong one?

Sometimes I just want to give up. I get tired of fighting. I remember a sermon I heard a few weeks ago that stated that whatever is going on we must not get tired. Not knowing what the future holds is tormenting. Sometimes it seems that I am fighting just to get ready for another battle and another and another. When will the battles end? When will I stop climbing the mountains and get to enjoy the valley?

I am at the point in my life where I don't know about figuring out my purpose. I am asking God to remove the thoughts from my head that He knows are not in His plan. If I am not going to be married, I ask him to remove that want from me so I can move forward. If there are no more children to be in my life, please remove that want. If my career is what it is, just help me to see that so I can move forward. The struggle to figure out my purpose is taking a lot out of me. Especially at this point in my life. I'm jsut really tired. And there is no body out there that can understand what I am going through.

At some point in time, I hope and pray that I can figure this out. Life for me is pretty hard right now. But I continue to smile and hide what is really going on. I just don't know where to begin in my journey to figure out my purpose. But I pray that through this journey I don't lose my faith. I need that to survive.

Are you fulfilled?

How do we know if our life is going in the right direction? How do you really know if what you are doing is what you are really what you are suppose to do? I have these questions running in my head often because I just don't know if the things that I have going on in my life are what is truly meant for me.

I wonder if I am suppose to spend my career here in Georgia. I wonder if I am suppose to be a teacher. I always wonder am I suppose to be single for the rest of my life. I've seen others do it, but I haven't gotten to the point where I am content.

I think I need to get to the point of contentment. I fall off when things that were going great suddenly aren't so great anymore. Whether its jobs or friendships, things usually turn. I hear people say that you can't judge other people's lives and compare that to your own. I know this is true. I have friends who on the outside it looks as if everything is grand. But on the inside they are miserable.

I guess I wish that God would reveal his purpose. I would love a "sneak peak". I would love to know if the desires of my heart are truly in my grasp or is this something that God just doesn't have planned for me. Not knowing is tormenting!!! But I know whatever it is God has my best interest at heart.

Things are ok in my life right now. Some days are better than others. But I keep my smile and hope that my purpose is revealed soon. I think I am ready to fulfill my destiny.

Out of nowhere....

You always hope that you leave a lasting impression on people that you meet. You want them to remember the good things that you have done. You should want them to have a smile on their face when they hear your name. At least that's what I hope when someone hears my name.

Recently on one of my social networking sites I have had several people say to me how they had these crushes on me and how they always thought I was a beautiful woman. I thank them for the compliment I am constantly wondering where we these men when I really needed them to be there? There was a time when I thought that NO MAN wanted to be with me. Now all of sudden they want to come out of the woodwork. But the crazy thing about it is they still don't want to be with me (for one reason or another).

I guess I should be flattered at the compliments and I am thankful. But at the same time, I don't hold them with high regard. I am a true believer in "actions speaking louder than the words". I am also a believer in people who pay attention to "the details".

I miss my friend. He always knew "the details". He knew details that I didn't even know existed. That always let me know that he was paying attention. Circumstances have it that we aren't able to have fun like we use it. But I hope he never forgets "the details". Because I can never forget about him....

Changes

There are so many changes going on right now in my life I feel like my head is ready to spin. Some are great. Others are expected changes but are not going as well as I would have liked.

I remember when I was taking this class a few years ago. We looked at a video entitled "Who Moved my Cheese". I thought this was a very powerful video because it talked about how people deal with change. I know I don't deal with change very well sometimes. Especially when the change is not in my favor.

I know this academic year is going to be hard on so many levels. I walked into the doors of my school with lots of enthusiam. Today I have this feeling of why was I chosen to stay. You never know in the beginning as to why God allows you to go through certain situations. I still don't know. Hopefully everything that I am experiencing right now (both at work and at home) is beneficial to my overall strength and faith. This is what I know I need to get through this period!

Rain

Life can deal you some crazy things. it is so very interesting. One day you could be on cloud nine and the next you can feel like you are in that "rabbit hole". It never fails. The good times don't always last.

But then you have to figure out how you want to deal witth those "rainy days". Do you want to sit and be glum, or do you want to say "fuck you rain! you will not be here forever." I'm trying to take the latter approach but it gets difficult sometimes.

This year (school year) is going to be a difficult one. I know I'm going to be faced with some emotional days ahead of me. But I now have to make sure I face these challenges and difficult times with a sense that "trouble don't last always". Some people are here to love you and some are just hear to make your life miserable.

The road to my "purpose driven life" has been rocky. But I must be thankful that I am still here and I have had great opportunities. I'm looking forward to what lies ahead, even the "rain". Because at the end of the rain the sun does come out again. And the sun is where I want to be.