I give in...

People who know me know I am a fun loving person. I smile and joke a lot. I like to have a good time. No I am not the life of the party, but people know I love to have a good time. Most people who have worked with me know that I essentially try to make the best of my job. It has its good points and definitely its bad points, but I am happy to be employed.

But that doesn't take away from the things that go on in my mind emotionally and physically. Today, I think I am feeling at my lowest point. I actually was ready to grab my purse, take the car keys and drive off and not look back. I wanted to get in the car and just drive... nowhere in particular... just drive off. I've never really had this feeling, but I am stressed and mentally drained and I don't know how much longer I can do this.

When I come home, the next phase starts over. Whether its school, work, football practice... my day doesn't end until I maybe get 4 hours of sleep. I wake up at 4:30 just so that I can try to get more work done! I don't think I've had 8 hours of sleep in months! And I know people say "well you have the weekend" but I don't. Because whatever I can't do during the week is done in those 1 1/2 days! And by the way, my body wakes up at that time naturally because I have gotten so use to it.

It sucks not to be able to come home to someone and get a hug and just say "how was your day". I don't have anybody who actually cares about how my day goes. It just seems that I do so much for everyone else (including my job). When will my time come for someone to want to take care of me.

Two weeks ago I was in the happiest state I have been in awhile. I smiled everyday. I felt like I was cared for. At this moment I feel like Alice in the rabbit hole and I don't know how to find my way out.

I'm stressed, tired, feel unfulfilled and feel unloved. So unlike who I am and I don't know how to get out of it. I just needed to vent. Again, no one is around to listen.

Time

I am learning that all things happen in due time. Time is so abstract. When it does occur, you just need to be ready.

I have never been a true fan of time. Maybe because in the past I have wanted things when I wanted them. So when they haven't come at that time, I just regress.

But time has shown me that it is on my side. It's ok to be patient. It's ok to step back a little and let things come into fruition. My time is not His time. And in many ways that's a good thing.

So now I am enjoying time. I look at things in a whole new perspective. It is a beautiful thing.

Sharing your view

There is one thing about going through a trial, you are really able to give a testimony of how you weathered the storm. Sometimes while you are still in it.

Over the past week, I have encountered so many people who have heard me cry, but have also encouraged me to stay steadfast and know that God will make a way out of no way. And the waiting has gotten a lot better. I don't sit and wonder anymore. I know things are happening in their due time. This point in my life is about working on me.

It's funny how this time last week, I was just existing. It was business as usual and I knew where things were going. Although God showed me what was going to happen I fought it by not accepting it and moving towards making it better.

Someone told me today that you must embrace your storms. I used to just read those words and say "whatever" because I had never felt convicted about anything before. I stand here today saying and agreeing that I am enjoying the storm. Why? Because I am growing. I know what the end is going to be even when others don't. This is my time to grown into loving myself as well as my relationship with God and what He has for me.

One of my favorite films is "The Matrix". In the Matrix, Leo learns that he is not "the one". He is compelled to tell Morpheus that he has made a mistake and he should keep looking. Before he can tell him Morpheus tells him that what the oracle told him was for him and him alone. He also made a profound statement. He said "Neo, sooner or later you're going to realize just as I did that there's a difference between knowing the path and walking the path".

Although I know where the path will lead, I don't know the journey itself. That's what I am on now. And I am appreciating every moment of it! I am finding out things about myself that I never knew before. I am becoming a better woman. A better woman for myself, my son, my family, my friends, my future children and the man whom God has positioned for me to be with. Somebody might think its crazy to think about the future, but I don't. I embrace it. I embrace it because I am standing on God's promise to me. He showed me and I believe Him. He hasn't failed me yet. Why should I not believe Him now?

So again, I love sharing my views on my test and trial. He helps me to get through. It helps me when I can encourage my cousins, my brother, my friends to hold on. I have blessed someone today and all I can do is smile! Enjoy everyone.....

Getting Better

The days are getting better. I haven't shed tears in awhile. Do I miss him? Hell yes I do. But I know now is the time for growth and healing. It's harder on days or at moments when something happens and I can't wait to tell him some good news. But I can't. Not the right time. I've been really blessed this week. I pray he's been blessed too.

They say time heals all wounds. I'm pretty sure it does. I just try to stay steadfast in my faith and what God has told me will happen in this situation. All things happen for a reason and for the purposes of His glory. I truly believe this. I smile when others think I shouldn't. When others say I hope it gets better, I say "I KNOW it will get better. God said it".

Trust and Patience......

The pieces are coming together

This year long journey is going to be tough. I will be examining myself and what God has planned for me.

"Sometimes things have to be broken in order to make them whole"... I stand by this statement. Saying goodbye doesn't necessarily mean the end. It's the beginning of many things. For me, it's the beginning of me moving towards identifying who I am and what God's purpose is for me. Learning to truly love me and know that I am worthy is essential in this process.

Another thing I am learning about is true faith and trust. Like I've stated before, God showed me the things that were going to happen. I didn't want to believe it because I thought I could fix it. God took control when I didn't want to let go.

With that, He is saying "Be still and listen". So that is what I am doing.

I still think about him. I wonder if he's ok. When I discover new things, I want to call and tell him and we can laugh. Right now we can't. I will have to wait.

I trusted him with everything in my soul. God wants me to trust Him with that same intensity. I hear you God, I hear you. I am learning to truly trust you and have faith through everything that comes my way.

I'm not sad. I'm happy. I'm excited that I am finally figuring out what my purpose is. I'm discovering me. After 35 years, I am discovering me. And it feels great! I know when I come out of this valley I will be a better person. Still loving, but with so much more to offer.

A New Beginning

Yesterday should have been one of the hardest days of my life. In some ways it was. But in the greatest way it was the best day of my life.

When you break up with someone, there is hurt. You ponder the if, whens and thy why. You wonder if it was those last words you said, or if it was the things that you did. You wonder if the significant other just didn't feel the same way you did. And you wonder if the other person thinks about you in those lonely hours and wonders if they made the right decision.

I can say at this point in my life the right decision was made. It wasn't made by me, but in my head I knew it was something that I should have done. God just forced it, like He always does when I'm slow to listen to him.

I wish him nothing but the best. I have no ill will towards him. He is a good person and he is a great friend. We are not friends in the conventional sense as it is now, but I still pray for him and hope that what he needs he will find in his life and through God's grace and mercy.

You always wonder what are the next steps when you are moving out of a relationship with someone. I know what my steps are and I hold no bitterness. I am truly at the point where I can work on me and not rely on others views of me.

In my spirit, I know why this happened and I know that I will come out better. If I ever meet him again, I want to be able to say thank you. Thank you for showing me what happiness is and what friendship with a mate could be.

I don't know if we will ever talk again. Right now we can't. Right now we both need time to heal and move towards our purpose in life. I don't know if he will ever read this but if it's meant God will put it on his heart to do so.

Know that I am good, loved and favored. Thank you for everything!

Trying something different

Anybody that knows me, they know I am the most private person in the world. I don't like to express my feelings to people. Only a small few (maybe 2-3 people) ever really know what is going on with me. And even those people don't really get all of me.

I am very guarding. I have had my share of heartache and pain. Because of this, I choose to hide within and not express the things that me most vulnerable. As some say, I "wear my emotions on my sleeve" and to an extent it has become my worst enemy.

Yesterday, something that I had dreamed about came into fruition. I knew that the reality was coming, but neverless it took a lot out of me. After much contemplation and tears, I had to make a decision as to how to move forward.

So after much prayer and trying to gain some understanding in a short 12 hour period, I ultimately knew that one thing that I had to change was me. I'm not talking in the sense of physical appearances and how I interact with others. I have to change what I think of me.

You see, I don't love me. I don't love me enough to allow someone else to love me more. That's why every relationship I have had has failed. Admitting this to myself as well as to others is the first step in me moving forward in my self discovery.

In order for me to truly show love and have someone love me, I need to first love the thing that God created for his glory. And right now I don't. So I am taking this year to find out what it is that makes me special and beautiful. Again, its not the physical. What one sees as beauty, another sees as disgust. But I have to find out what it is about me that God loves so much. I will admit, I don't know what it is.

Where am I?

I have never been married. I don't really know if I ever will. Not that I don't wan to. Just that I haven't been placed in the position that would allow me to make that step. But I can say that I have fallen in love.

Every time love has come my way, I reach that awkward point where the communication that was so rich and pure in the beginning, now feels like a runaway train that you can't catch. There comes that point where the person you have fallen for may not totally be in the same place as you. Text are not returned immediately. There isn't that rush to make sure you are ok. They don't respond to your twitter feeds. So what do you do? Do you give up? Do you say well I guess he's just not that into me anymore? Do you give it some time and try to rebuild?

I don't have the magic answer. I wish I could conjure up that special formula that will tell me the secret as to how so many other women are able to keep their mates through the good and the bad. For some reason or another I haven't found it. I always end up on the end of the aisle that sits and cries because things are not going according to plan. Or maybe they are.

I believe in God. I believe in destiny. I believe that there is always a reason for people to find each other and sometimes leave. I believe in purpose. Where I fall short is realizing what it all means. I might interpret one thing and it totally mean another.

So now I am in my questionable mode. I don't know why he doesn't want to spend time with me. I don't know why he doesn't return my tweets or texts like he used to. I don't why I sit and cry. but I do.

Now I just want to take some time for me. No Facebook or Twitter. Just time away from the outside so I can focus on the inside. I don't even think anybody would notice. But I need this time to focus on me because I am losing myself. I'm losing myself in a world where I don't even love me anymore. I love someone more than I love me and that is a no no.

I pray God gives me some understanding as to what I am going through and why. I don't want to leave. I'm not going to leave. I just need some time to understand.

It's amazing

It's amazing how one person can change your whole world. How when you hear that person's voice a smile comes on your face that you think will never go away. When you're in that person's presence, your world seems to be safe and secure. Whether you're near or far, you always think about that person and only want the best for them.

I feel that way about someone. And I am loving every minute of it.

He makes me happy! When we talk, even if its a brief moment, I'm happy because I know he's ok. If I ask him to do something for me he will, even if he really doesn't want to. I know he does this for me because he generally cares and wants me to be ok. He challenges my intellect. I see or hear him doing things and I say "damn, I need to step my game up". I have great conversation with him. We can talk about anything! He's sexy as hell and he makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. I do what I can to make sure he knows that he is a great man and that his purpose in this world is great!

Many people don't find that kind of person often. It is rare. Even thoughs who are married and in committed relationship cannot truly say that their mate is the kind of person that I have. I treasure him, daily. I know in my heart that God brought us together for a reason. All has not been revealed yet, but I am patiently waiting to see. He is my best friend, lover and someone who will be in my life for a long time to come.

Everyone should have the opportunity to feel something so amazing!

How old do I look?

My mother once told me (jokingly) "you should wear a sign that says 'hey! I'm over 30". She said men probably see me and think I'm too young and that's why they won't approach me. I kind of laughed it off. But later got to thinking..."Do I really look that young?"

I remember being younger and people always telling me when I was in high school they thought I was still in middle school. Then when I went to college, I looked like a high school senior (I was 22 by that time). I took it all in stride and thought "thank God for my good genes"! I also remember a time when my mother's pastor held a great conversation with me and then asked me "so when do you return to school?" I looked at him with utter confusion and said "what do you mean?". He then proceeded to ask what year in college I was (I was 30 at the time). At the time, I laughed at the thought, and again, thanked God for my blessed genes. But as I am getting older, I am starting to wonder if looking younger is really a good thing.

Sometimes there is the downside. For some reason older people think since I look like one of the kids, they can treat me like one of the kids. That is a NEGATIVE! Sometimes I've had really OLD men try to hit a smile. I just smile back and keep it moving. UGH!!! Then there are the middle school kids I teach. I guess now I am their "best friend"! I get called that a lot.

Being 35 and being told I look 26 has been surprising at times. I'm learning to take it in stride. Believe me I go out of my way not to look so young, but there is no getting around it. I guess that is my blessing. It will serve my benefit in the future.

I'm still "in like" with you!

I still remember how it began. It was a simple text "So, we like each other don't we?" From that point on, I knew he would be in my life for awhile. For 8 months, our friendship grew and it was the most amazing thing to ever happen to me. I really had never experienced that feeling before. I sometimes pinch myself to make sure that what I am feeling/seeing is real. This man really enjoys my quirkiness!!! LOL

But in everything, changes come. The everyday toils of life and work come into play so that the things that brought you so close together aren't there anymore. So when those things are not as blatant as they were do you say, "well I guess this is the end?" Five years ago, I probably would have said that. But through growth and maturity I have learned to trust in the things I don't see everyday. Today, I'm still "in like" with him.

I pray every night and the morning when I wake. Mostly for sanity and serenity as deal with the the everyday pressure of what goes on in this crazy career I have chosen. But at the same time, I pray for him. I pray that he is safe. I pray that the pressures that surround him don't take him to the point where he is about to "spaz out"! I pray that he knows that even though we are not in close proximity he is still one of the "best friends" I could ever ask for and I think of him often. But mostly I wonder does he still think of me.

In some way, shape or form, we find the way to communicate. Maybe its a text just saying "good morning". Maybe it is a phone call just to vent. Maybe its a chat here and there. Those little things mean so much beyond measure. It lets me know the thought is still there. A year ago things were very different. But in everything there must be change. Sometimes change can be a scary thing and make you think things that are few and far between. However, I am ecstatic to say that even though there is change, I'm not running away from it. I want to stay. I am eager to see where this journey will lead. They say those who endure grow stronger.

I'm still "in like" with him!!! I can't wait 'til our schedules permit and we can go on our next "date". I think I was just want to give him a big hug and not let go. He is one of the best things to come into my life and I'm proud to call him my "special" friend. :-)

Karma

It is amazing to me what happens in the human mind. I have long been a person that believed there were people in this world who had he same mindset as I: treat people with respect, honor and treasure your friends and family, be humble in EVERYTHING that you do, etc. etc. But in 35 years years on this beautiful earth, I am still shocked and amazed at humans. I shouldn't be. There have been plenty of times when my sense of reality has been shocked and mangled due to lack of understanding of another's judgment. But being the person that I am, I choose to give all people that I meet the benefit of doubt because it is in my nature.

This week, again I have met amazement! I wonder when people INTENTIONALLY do wrong to people what do they do when the deed is done? Are they able to sleep at night? Do they leave thinking that they have accomplished a goal? Do they wonder how their actions will affect others? Do they celebrate?

I am by no means a perfect woman. I have made mistakes and made some bonehead moves in my life. I probably will do it again. But I sincerely PRAY that whenever someone mentions my name the words, vindictive, shows favoritism, cruel, evil, disrespectful, etc. etc. come to mind! That is an image that I would never want to have.

I am a believer in karma. I believe what you do to others will come back to you. You treat people with love and respect, it will come back to you tenfold. I am a witness to this! But if you have a total lack of respect for the humanity that God has created, it will come back: TENFOLD. And when it hits, it will come swift and be very painful.

JD, JB, AB,AA and to all others who have had to deal with the vindictiveness, lying, unfathomable behavior of unsaid individual, don't worry it is coming back! You may not be witness, but it will happen. The person who tried to destroy me is seething because I came out better than I was before. You will too!