Anybody that knows me, they know I am the most private person in the world. I don't like to express my feelings to people. Only a small few (maybe 2-3 people) ever really know what is going on with me. And even those people don't really get all of me.
I am very guarding. I have had my share of heartache and pain. Because of this, I choose to hide within and not express the things that me most vulnerable. As some say, I "wear my emotions on my sleeve" and to an extent it has become my worst enemy.
Yesterday, something that I had dreamed about came into fruition. I knew that the reality was coming, but neverless it took a lot out of me. After much contemplation and tears, I had to make a decision as to how to move forward.
So after much prayer and trying to gain some understanding in a short 12 hour period, I ultimately knew that one thing that I had to change was me. I'm not talking in the sense of physical appearances and how I interact with others. I have to change what I think of me.
You see, I don't love me. I don't love me enough to allow someone else to love me more. That's why every relationship I have had has failed. Admitting this to myself as well as to others is the first step in me moving forward in my self discovery.
In order for me to truly show love and have someone love me, I need to first love the thing that God created for his glory. And right now I don't. So I am taking this year to find out what it is that makes me special and beautiful. Again, its not the physical. What one sees as beauty, another sees as disgust. But I have to find out what it is about me that God loves so much. I will admit, I don't know what it is.
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