I give in...

People who know me know I am a fun loving person. I smile and joke a lot. I like to have a good time. No I am not the life of the party, but people know I love to have a good time. Most people who have worked with me know that I essentially try to make the best of my job. It has its good points and definitely its bad points, but I am happy to be employed.

But that doesn't take away from the things that go on in my mind emotionally and physically. Today, I think I am feeling at my lowest point. I actually was ready to grab my purse, take the car keys and drive off and not look back. I wanted to get in the car and just drive... nowhere in particular... just drive off. I've never really had this feeling, but I am stressed and mentally drained and I don't know how much longer I can do this.

When I come home, the next phase starts over. Whether its school, work, football practice... my day doesn't end until I maybe get 4 hours of sleep. I wake up at 4:30 just so that I can try to get more work done! I don't think I've had 8 hours of sleep in months! And I know people say "well you have the weekend" but I don't. Because whatever I can't do during the week is done in those 1 1/2 days! And by the way, my body wakes up at that time naturally because I have gotten so use to it.

It sucks not to be able to come home to someone and get a hug and just say "how was your day". I don't have anybody who actually cares about how my day goes. It just seems that I do so much for everyone else (including my job). When will my time come for someone to want to take care of me.

Two weeks ago I was in the happiest state I have been in awhile. I smiled everyday. I felt like I was cared for. At this moment I feel like Alice in the rabbit hole and I don't know how to find my way out.

I'm stressed, tired, feel unfulfilled and feel unloved. So unlike who I am and I don't know how to get out of it. I just needed to vent. Again, no one is around to listen.

Time

I am learning that all things happen in due time. Time is so abstract. When it does occur, you just need to be ready.

I have never been a true fan of time. Maybe because in the past I have wanted things when I wanted them. So when they haven't come at that time, I just regress.

But time has shown me that it is on my side. It's ok to be patient. It's ok to step back a little and let things come into fruition. My time is not His time. And in many ways that's a good thing.

So now I am enjoying time. I look at things in a whole new perspective. It is a beautiful thing.