Sharing your view

There is one thing about going through a trial, you are really able to give a testimony of how you weathered the storm. Sometimes while you are still in it.

Over the past week, I have encountered so many people who have heard me cry, but have also encouraged me to stay steadfast and know that God will make a way out of no way. And the waiting has gotten a lot better. I don't sit and wonder anymore. I know things are happening in their due time. This point in my life is about working on me.

It's funny how this time last week, I was just existing. It was business as usual and I knew where things were going. Although God showed me what was going to happen I fought it by not accepting it and moving towards making it better.

Someone told me today that you must embrace your storms. I used to just read those words and say "whatever" because I had never felt convicted about anything before. I stand here today saying and agreeing that I am enjoying the storm. Why? Because I am growing. I know what the end is going to be even when others don't. This is my time to grown into loving myself as well as my relationship with God and what He has for me.

One of my favorite films is "The Matrix". In the Matrix, Leo learns that he is not "the one". He is compelled to tell Morpheus that he has made a mistake and he should keep looking. Before he can tell him Morpheus tells him that what the oracle told him was for him and him alone. He also made a profound statement. He said "Neo, sooner or later you're going to realize just as I did that there's a difference between knowing the path and walking the path".

Although I know where the path will lead, I don't know the journey itself. That's what I am on now. And I am appreciating every moment of it! I am finding out things about myself that I never knew before. I am becoming a better woman. A better woman for myself, my son, my family, my friends, my future children and the man whom God has positioned for me to be with. Somebody might think its crazy to think about the future, but I don't. I embrace it. I embrace it because I am standing on God's promise to me. He showed me and I believe Him. He hasn't failed me yet. Why should I not believe Him now?

So again, I love sharing my views on my test and trial. He helps me to get through. It helps me when I can encourage my cousins, my brother, my friends to hold on. I have blessed someone today and all I can do is smile! Enjoy everyone.....

Getting Better

The days are getting better. I haven't shed tears in awhile. Do I miss him? Hell yes I do. But I know now is the time for growth and healing. It's harder on days or at moments when something happens and I can't wait to tell him some good news. But I can't. Not the right time. I've been really blessed this week. I pray he's been blessed too.

They say time heals all wounds. I'm pretty sure it does. I just try to stay steadfast in my faith and what God has told me will happen in this situation. All things happen for a reason and for the purposes of His glory. I truly believe this. I smile when others think I shouldn't. When others say I hope it gets better, I say "I KNOW it will get better. God said it".

Trust and Patience......

The pieces are coming together

This year long journey is going to be tough. I will be examining myself and what God has planned for me.

"Sometimes things have to be broken in order to make them whole"... I stand by this statement. Saying goodbye doesn't necessarily mean the end. It's the beginning of many things. For me, it's the beginning of me moving towards identifying who I am and what God's purpose is for me. Learning to truly love me and know that I am worthy is essential in this process.

Another thing I am learning about is true faith and trust. Like I've stated before, God showed me the things that were going to happen. I didn't want to believe it because I thought I could fix it. God took control when I didn't want to let go.

With that, He is saying "Be still and listen". So that is what I am doing.

I still think about him. I wonder if he's ok. When I discover new things, I want to call and tell him and we can laugh. Right now we can't. I will have to wait.

I trusted him with everything in my soul. God wants me to trust Him with that same intensity. I hear you God, I hear you. I am learning to truly trust you and have faith through everything that comes my way.

I'm not sad. I'm happy. I'm excited that I am finally figuring out what my purpose is. I'm discovering me. After 35 years, I am discovering me. And it feels great! I know when I come out of this valley I will be a better person. Still loving, but with so much more to offer.

A New Beginning

Yesterday should have been one of the hardest days of my life. In some ways it was. But in the greatest way it was the best day of my life.

When you break up with someone, there is hurt. You ponder the if, whens and thy why. You wonder if it was those last words you said, or if it was the things that you did. You wonder if the significant other just didn't feel the same way you did. And you wonder if the other person thinks about you in those lonely hours and wonders if they made the right decision.

I can say at this point in my life the right decision was made. It wasn't made by me, but in my head I knew it was something that I should have done. God just forced it, like He always does when I'm slow to listen to him.

I wish him nothing but the best. I have no ill will towards him. He is a good person and he is a great friend. We are not friends in the conventional sense as it is now, but I still pray for him and hope that what he needs he will find in his life and through God's grace and mercy.

You always wonder what are the next steps when you are moving out of a relationship with someone. I know what my steps are and I hold no bitterness. I am truly at the point where I can work on me and not rely on others views of me.

In my spirit, I know why this happened and I know that I will come out better. If I ever meet him again, I want to be able to say thank you. Thank you for showing me what happiness is and what friendship with a mate could be.

I don't know if we will ever talk again. Right now we can't. Right now we both need time to heal and move towards our purpose in life. I don't know if he will ever read this but if it's meant God will put it on his heart to do so.

Know that I am good, loved and favored. Thank you for everything!

Trying something different

Anybody that knows me, they know I am the most private person in the world. I don't like to express my feelings to people. Only a small few (maybe 2-3 people) ever really know what is going on with me. And even those people don't really get all of me.

I am very guarding. I have had my share of heartache and pain. Because of this, I choose to hide within and not express the things that me most vulnerable. As some say, I "wear my emotions on my sleeve" and to an extent it has become my worst enemy.

Yesterday, something that I had dreamed about came into fruition. I knew that the reality was coming, but neverless it took a lot out of me. After much contemplation and tears, I had to make a decision as to how to move forward.

So after much prayer and trying to gain some understanding in a short 12 hour period, I ultimately knew that one thing that I had to change was me. I'm not talking in the sense of physical appearances and how I interact with others. I have to change what I think of me.

You see, I don't love me. I don't love me enough to allow someone else to love me more. That's why every relationship I have had has failed. Admitting this to myself as well as to others is the first step in me moving forward in my self discovery.

In order for me to truly show love and have someone love me, I need to first love the thing that God created for his glory. And right now I don't. So I am taking this year to find out what it is that makes me special and beautiful. Again, its not the physical. What one sees as beauty, another sees as disgust. But I have to find out what it is about me that God loves so much. I will admit, I don't know what it is.